The 5 best places to have sex in the office

A sultry smile over the photocopier, flushed cheeks by the watercooler, eruptive laughter at your terrible jokes — you may have all the elements in place for a workplace romance.

Whilst this would never happen to anybody that works here at The W1nners’ Club, we have nevertheless put together a list of places in the office that we think would be great for consummating a burgeoning courtship — if only any of us were that lucky!

1. The toilets

Whilst arguably being the more obvious choice, the toilets at work are a great place to bunk up because for most people, it won’t be the first time you will have enjoyed a romantic engagement in a public lavatory. Most of us have been going out to pubs and clubs for a good few years by the time we reach our early twenties and unless you’re particularly uneasy on the eye, the majority will have managed to cop off with someone over this period. In the earlier years of binge drinking, you are either still living with parents or don’t yet earn a salary large enough to afford a room at the local Travelodge, so pub and club toilets provide a useful way to enjoy a bit of passion with a new partner in relative privacy over our formative years. The toilets at work should therefore be seen as a more luxurious version of the aforementioned.

2. Underneath your desk

You’d be surprised what you can fit underneath the average office desk. Here at W1nners’ Club H.Q. we have found all sorts under the desks of some of our less tidy colleagues. Everything from boxing gloves, disused printers, a pair of ski boots and a shillelagh have been found. Imagine therefore how such office real estate could be used in the event of a post-work tryst. You might be restricted in the positions you and your colleague can perform without receiving a bump on the head from the underside of the desk, but it’s still a viable solution all the same. You don’t even need to worry about leaving any evidence of your activities because everybody knows that the cleaners never clean under there — EVER!

3. On the boardroom table

………bear with us for a second on this one. It may sound insane, but you’re not thinking about this rationally are you? Ask yourself honestly — when is the boardroom ever used for anything other than board meetings? The answer is — it isn’t! If you work for a company whose board members only meet a few mornings a week, it means the place is free for the rest of the time. Nobody is ever going to book the boardroom for a meeting with guests or clients, so in the event of a moment of frenzied nympholepsy, the boardroom may prove permissible to your aims. All we ask is that you double check that an emergency meeting hasn’t been called as barging in and interrupting the proceedings whilst in the throes of a zealous embrace might not be the best career move.

4. The canteen

Most workplace canteens are only open during normal working hours unless you work for MI5 or you are doing the Le Mans 24 hour race. After work there won’t be a single soul in sight, so you are free to indulge in a session of inter-employee intimacy. If plastic chairs and Formica table tops are your thing, the canteen might be worth considering for a spot of coitus with a colleague.

5. The car park

Please note — we only recommend this if your car park is situated underneath the main building and accept no responsibility whatsoever for individuals that read this post and then proceed to get fined by the authorities for being caught al fresco at their local NCP. If you can get in early enough before everybody else, the office’s underground car park may provide the ideal secluded environment for some corporate copulation.

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