Waitrose Shepherd’s Pie — ‘Why not use real shepherds?’ say sheep.

Waitrose have admitted that their Shepherd’s Pie doesn’t contain even the slightest trace of shepherd meat.

More than 4,200 people labelled, ‘Waitrose British Shepherd’s Pie,’ which is made with New Zealand Lamb as, ‘unacceptable,’ and, ‘a lie,’ in a recent poll conducted on Twitter.

Waitrose’ Head of Product Packaging Mr. Reg Retail-Pryce said, “Our Shepherd’s Pie is a dish made from minced meat under a layer of mashed potato. It doesn’t contain any pastry so therefore isn’t a pie and most definitely doesn’t contain any meat procured from the bodies of dead shepherds. We understand why customers who shop at Waitrose may feel misled by our use of the term, ‘Shepherd,’ but we can assure everyone that our policy is to use the best available meat in season so we choose New Zealand lamb purely because of its quality.”

A second Twitter poll received more than 2,200 votes with 92% of respondents stating that Waitrose’ British Cottage Pie should be remade using British built cottages as opposed to simply rebranding and trying to fob everyone off with imported beef.

Waitrose have explored the option of using real shepherds and cottages for their ready meals, but have stated that shepherds have a particularly healthy lifestyle and as a result only die periodically from natural causes — the UK’s current housing crisis has put paid to any recipe that uses bricks and mortar as the main ingredient for the dish.

“We always assumed the average Waitrose customer was reasonably well-educated and would know that a shepherd’s pie has absolutely nothing to do with the Three Wise Men. Similarly, you’d hope that your average ABC1 shopper would know that the word, ‘cottage,’ is only ever used in retail to describe pies made with minced beef or anonymous sex in a public lavatory — presumably we’ll have to rebrand our Eton Mess because it doesn’t contain the innards of English public school kids,” Mr. Retail-Pryce added.

Among the products being rebranded are, ‘Bubble and Squeak,’ because it doesn’t make a high-pitched sound when you eat it, ‘Cornish Pasties,’ because they don’t contain any corn and if anything are more, ‘meat and pastry-ish,’ and ‘Monster Munch,’ because they’re simply not very scary but are in fact rather enjoyable to feast upon.

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