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“sun rays inside cave” by Bruno van der Kraan on Unsplash

I Want to Know Truth

I woke up not expecting it

But always felt it in my bones.

Martyr, murderer, savior,

I didn’t really know.

Nourished on love and hope,

Suckled on loving dreams.

Called Army Ruler, Dark Powerful Warrior,

But never the King.

Daddy’s little killer

With no fear in my eyes.

Held tight against my mother’s breast,

Protected through the night.

His was mine by blood,

But they said he wasn’t me.

She was mine by birth,

But her in me they couldn’t see.

With this shattered mirror,

Daddy’s killer gone.

Which one must I kill

To find where I belong.

Unable to do the deed,

But desperate to find a home.

I painted this face of mine

And wrestled on my own.

Namesakes not forsaken

But always out of reach.

Inside the anger grows,

As bones begin to leach.

For years I stood so close,

In truth they’re far away.

Although God’s truth we shared

It never bayed them stay.

Longing for that love,

A common cause or touch.

I married my emptiness to little

Because it promised much.

Through torn pages she found me

And I never let her go.

Though her love confounded me,

Her lies I didn’t know.

We never met in public

I wanted her alone.

Until I kissed old Mary

To forget what I had known.

They promised pleasure to dull the pain,

A facade made just for me.

Could mold me to be the man

I was made to be.

But emptiness and little

Equals nothing more.

Just played the prostitute

To another whore.

Can’t escape forever

Reality pushes in.

Glimpses of the future

Equaled nothing in the end.

Nothing filled my emptiness,

No home to rest my head.

Guess this should be expected

When searching like one who’s dead.

It’s said truth will set us free

From this life I love and hate.

Provide that life that couldn’t be

Opposing one’s own fate.

Was this the truth I didn’t see?

Was this the truth I couldn’t hear?

Was this the truth standing next to me

As I cried in fear?

Was it truth that loved me

And gave me those good dreams?

Named me Army Ruler, Dark Powerful Warrior

But saved itself the King?

Was it truth who shattered me

And kicked me out alone?

Gave me this face to paint

And the unrest within my bones?

Was it truth who called me close?

Who asked me to draw near?

Only to be pushed away

By those who say they hear.

What is truth? I need to know.

And does it really save?

I need the truth that created me

And gave me this good name.