The Burden of Silence.

Disturbed writer
Nov 3 · 2 min read

Are there others??? The story from a Survivors stance.

Are there others???
It’s not a question you want to ask yourself because quite frankly, you’re all you care about, the only thing that matters is the pain that you carry about and because you’re hurting and angry, it might never occur to you to wonder if there are others.
Surviving Sexual abuse leaves a scar in your soul that never goes away. In the weeks following, you go from shock, to doubt, to pain, to anger. You go through sadness and fear and nightmares and what’s worse, You cannot speak out, so you lay there at night, relieving the horrors again and again and again.
I want to talk about it, I want to tell my story but I’m ashamed. How would the world see me?? A woman tainted?? The stares, the whispers when you walk past, it gets worse.
The disbelief! The questions. Why were you there??? Maybe you enjoyed it?? Maybe it wasn’t abuse?? Why didn’t you scream loud enough?? Why didn’t you fight hard enough?? Why are there no visible scars on your body?? The questions, the underlying judgement not spoken.

The disgust when they look at me or the pity.
So I shut it for 7 years, I’ve moved on from it I say because that’s easy to say.
So did you enjoy the sex??

He’s asking and I’m wondering if I ever enjoyed sex at any point even before this trauma?? I’m lost in thought but like I’ve programmed myself to do, I smile and say “Yes it was great".

Yes it was great!! Lies that have become a part of me. Lies that I’ve forced into truth and maybe if I say it enough, I’d finally enjoy sex and not consider it a chore.

This is my pain! This is my burden, this is my story but today I stop to think, What is the cost of my silence??? What if there are others??? Did he stop after me?? Was I his last victim? Was I his first victim?? Are there others like me??

If I’m not his first victim, could someone speaking out have saved me?? And if I’m not his last victim , could speaking out have saved someone else??

These are the questions I have, the hard ones. What was the cost of my silence?? Could I have saved someone else?

I’d never find answers and I’d always live with the burden of my silence.

I still wonder if there are others and if I could have saved them.

    Disturbed writer

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    Trying at Survival. Rebel against cultural Idiocy. Part Time Advocate. Nudist . Unfiltered version of self.