James & Perpetual

“I am tired of you” he yelled at me, as I put my phone down after talking to one of my buddies. I looked at him and asked “why then? Why did you request me to be your girlfriend?” ,“I thought you were different”, he retorted with anger written all over his face.

Yes I knew it, I knew it but behaved like I didn’t notice it, he was insecure and jealous. I understands it perfectly okay to feel so. But it takes a real man to trust their “miss Independent” girlfriend without feeling intimidated. He wasn’t the first one to feel this way, many had come and left, why? They can’t keep up, they want their ego pampered, they want a girl who will dance to their rhythm, a girl who will change themselves to fit their perfect kind of girlfriend,a girl whom will drop their makeup for them, change their dress code for them, drop eating some type of food, or go a day or two without real food to gain that perfect shape for a man who would take two cups of porridge, a plate of meat and ugali, they don’t give a damn.

I am not against such things like “Hi babe, this will look perfectly in you” or “I like when your make up looks like this” anyway who wouldn’t love that, but compromise not your happiness or trade it to please. The truth is, I find it hard nowadays to get someone just to believing in you or trusting in you fully and loving you for you, with all your flaws and weakness not have you for their selfish needs as to boost their little ego by showcasing you to their fellow men..’ndio watambulikane’ by having a beautiful face by their side, or beautiful curves by their side.

I come across an article of how to keep a man, how not to hurt his ego and how to prevent him from cheating.The truth is I didn’t read that article to the last word, It’s just got me thinking..Isn’t cheating a decision someone makes?, is leaving a relationship not a decision a grown man or woman makes?. Nothing can make them stay if they want to leave.You will cook for them and serve them in plates made of gold but if they want to leave they will just do so. I remember sometime back when a group of my girlfriends dubbed me a “don’t care”, someone who can’t love fully, for simple reasons as I can’t keep up with bad relationships. I just can’t handle bad treatment. I do things for love and I have done things for love but I know too well there is a thin line between a habit and a mistake.They would tell me, you know a man is supposed to be treated like this or like that, you know you can’t just confront him when he treats you bad, you will hurt his ego, I call all this for lack of a better word bullshit. I still remember walking away from my own body, and if I can do that, what makes you think I’ll wait for anything that isn’t everything?

My ideal kinda man should be a transformed man, not brainwashed, he should respect me for me, love me for me, with all my flaws and my imperfections. My heart is black, my eyes are wide, I don’t smile as much, ‘but I’ll always love too hard. or not at all. I know I am sometimes selfish and mean and want things done my way, but hell no, I just refuse to fall victim of bad relationship. I just refuse to fit in. Falling for me will be easy. Staying with me will be impossible.But you deserve a love that most people don’t believe in anymore.

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