BREAKING: Twitter Has a Major Branding Problem

Picture the Ravenite Social Club, the unofficial headquarters of the Gambino crime family where John Gotti, between accepting envelopes filled with hundred dollar bills from his captains and lieutenants, and while overseeing the bestowal of these tributes on behalf of new or ongoing criminal enterprises, and as the Boss of Bosses issues orders to his second-in-command and listens to advice from his consigliere, you walk in — the chimes on the door ring, registering your arrival — and, with the strap of your half-unzipped knapsack slung over your right shoulder, revealing the aluminum profile of your MacBook Air and the used paperback edition of Naked Lunch, you order an extra-dry cappuccino (with soy milk) and gluten-free biscotti.

Imagine, in other words, entering a den of mobsters, loan sharks, hit men, gamblers, murderers and thieves because that is what you — and tens of millions of others — already do, every day, when you visit the online hangout for ISIS and al Qaeda known as Twitter.

Put another way, Twitter has a major branding problem.

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In this global bazaar of jihadists and propagandists, Twitter is the virtual marketplace for acts of cyber shouting; it is a Web-based version for the dickering, manufactured outrage, counteroffers, hand signals (through the use of ideograms) and handshakes of consummated transactions, where, instead of exchanging the Saudi riyal or pieces of silver or the Syrian pound for minor baubles and lamb kabobs, people pledge their lives — and Islamists unsheathe their swords — for the glory of eternal paradise, following the rape and murder of women and children, and the torture and decapitation of any and all infidels.

As-salamu alaykum, friends and readers, to the wonderful world of Twitter.

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Yes, indeed, Twitter has a major branding problem.

Where, in turn, is the link to Twitter’s news conference about the Paris attacks, in which the company’s CEO, Jack Dorsey, fields questions from an international assemblage of the press; answering queries from journalists from Le Monde, France 2, Cahiers d’art and Le Figaro, and, with a French translator from Stanford University at his side — nay, in an impromptu display of solidarity for events past and present — he says, “Je Suis Paris”?

Where may I find a copy of his speech to the citizens of Paris and the people of France, in which this latter-day Francophile defends the philosophy of the Enlightenment and proclaims his support for liberty, fraternity and equality?

To repeat: Twitter. Has. A. Major. Branding. Problem.

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