Stop pitching your startup
ian jeffrey

ian jeffrey,

Since this is a private forum, and given the disclosure of certain technical details contained within this message, I request that you keep our correspondence confidential because there are specific legal niceties — including the omission of the dotting of some i’s and the crossing of various t’s — that could result in the issuance of injunctions, subpoenas and depositions, which, and here I write as a “lay attorney” (with 241.7 combined hours of remote learning from having watched all 8 and 5 seasons, respectively, of L.A. Law and Boston Legal), so I know of what I speak when I say, “Tell No One.”

Herewith the section marked TOP SECRET.

There is a flesh-colored hinge on the back of every male, which you can open with a mini drill and a pair of plastic tweezers, enabling you to reprogram said human (excluding any Caucasian man born before 1970) to operate with discretion, subtlety, humor, charm, gratitude, and intelligence and wisdom.

You can even calibrate the model to speak with conversational ease and charismatic grace, segueing from cocktail chatter to waxing philosophical about matters grand and eternal.

Gadget freaks call these features manners.

Don’t let this get around.

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