Why the excuse, “sorry, I have a boyfriend” is misogynistic
Imagine this: you fasten those swanky new suede shoes before going dancing with your friends, then shoulders are circling and lights are flashing to Icona Pop’s “I Love It,” you’re laughing and twirling one other. Until — a sticky man with styled, slicked hair (and an extra decennium on his brow) approaches you. He grabs your waist as if you are the last Costco sample and your feet stutter from his exhale that boozes foul, “Wanna dance?”
Or this: after working in the library late you arrive home and forage for a rare and unlikely parking space. You succeed and after gathering your books a passing male bicyclist calls for your name without a question mark, asks where you’re going, “baby,” makes you walk faster but also still feel indebted to answering his questions, because — well, what if he gets mad? So you keep resolving with words but advancing hastily so he might note your discomfort. He doesn’t, he asks for your number.
How should we, as women, react to these instances? Or, as I heard in a required female-only study abroad orientation, “How do we get guys to leave us alone?” Why do we have to learn this? One would think simply telling them to might be enough. But both of these situations are experiences that have been relayed to me by my friends who each finally got the male “to leave them alone” by using one sentence: “Sorry, I have a boyfriend.” A reason that actually has nothing to do with these men or these particular situations, and typically a lie that is often utilized by women as a quick fix to make men “go away.”
However, when employing this phrase, people fail to realize its misogynistic nature.
It suggests that this “boyfriend” is unfortunately the only thing that inhibits potential relationship with this male. That, if only we were single! Then we would love to leave the club with his arm around us, sit on his handlebars and ride back to his parents’ basement. It totally would’ve worked out. But, no; “sorry, I have a boyfriend.” Darn.
It also implies that no other reason concerning our individual selves holds valid. He doesn’t go away when you are “not interested,” or because you want him to “please stop touching” you or even because he is making you uncomfortable. These reasons usually tend to make them glib on, latch and loll, “c’mon,” ask that you provide a reason that would better pet their pride. When you tell them sorry, you have a boyfriend, they finally understand! As if you would actually not be interested in them! You are just someone else’s property right now. Simple misunderstanding.
Of course, this logical flaw is not reserved for females. Many male friends use the same misogynist reasoning in order to save their female friends from awkward situations: “Sorry, she’s my girlfriend,” putting their arm around a girl to “protect” her and show the person who approached that she is taken. Instead, we should encourage women to stand up for themselves. Although men trying to help out women in these situations are well-intentioned, maybe a better response would be something more validating, like: “No, I’m not her boyfriend. But did you hear her? She said she’s not interested.”
But, we know this is not easy. I have most definitely employed this excuse to unlatch unwanted flirtation, and I have watched many others do the same. It is much easier and more effective than aforementioned alternatives such as “don’t touch me without my permission,” or “I’m not interested.” By avoiding these more honest responses we don’t have to worry about whether we are dampening their ego, or if they’ll call us a “bitch” because we don’t want them.
However, by defining ourselves as someone else’s, we are connoting that being single authorizes harassment. And men who continue to pry after you’ve told them you’re uninterested (whether a boyfriend exists or not) do not respect you but only your existence in relation to a male.
Secure the respect you deserve with assertive language. Women, you do not need the shield of a “boyfriend” to protect you. There is no reason to have to go through a myriad of excuses to get a man to leave you alone. Your “NO” is enough. So let’s act like it. It might be uncomfortable and intimidating, but I challenge us to start saying, “I’m not interested” when we are not interested.
