I could say thank you for this. I won’t. I don’t feel that special. I feel as if I’m apart of a majority. Is it safe here? Is this a safe space? Even if I digress? Detour? I’ll say it anyway. I am without fear. I refuse to live in it.
Most ppl don’t hate ppl. There, I said it! Humans don’t hate humans. Indifference is not hate. In my private spaces as I travel in my life, I’ve learned something. Ppl don’t hate ppl. I am the only black woman at my job. I work in the theater. I’m a stage manager, a bartender & I stand out. And ppl are afraid. Because they think they know but they don’t know. When they are exposed to me and others. They are pleasantly surprised. That i am not what they view on TV or history books. It is a conditioning. I understand it though I despise having to be patient enough to accommodate the comfort levels of ppl who seem to never attempt to come into my space & explore what’s true & what isn’t. They accept their conditioning. They spread the propaganda of racism as a way of life. Not as a system that we can break down. But the “be all!” many know that it is a system. But if one is of advantage in the system, what does one do? It is easy to see how the disadvantaged live. Who chooses that?
Being on the ground in the middle of chaos. One learns. The chaos has started at the top. On the bottom. We’re trying to survive. As pawns. feeling somewhat hopeless. overwhelmed. Standing in the same lines for the open job interviews, the bread line, wherever we can go to get relief. we’re ALL talking about what a mess it is. We’re all aware of the differences. We all just want to be left alone to exist.
No one deserves the stress we’re marketed. No one deserves to be used as pawns to prove a point that doesn’t exist. All I see is a confused ppl not sure which bait to take. And one must take the bait. One must side with the side of their culture, gender, sexuality, religion, economic status and so on and so forth. And that is just impossible. It is downright impossible.
I don’t feel rage or anger. Perhaps, for a second, I wanted to. Not at the officers. They are workers of a bigger empire. They are equally oppressed & encompass the same fear, if not double times more, the rest of us feel at times. They are victims in their own right. Not to erase the fact that many of these armed & protected law officials stand behind badges after killing unarmed and non threatening individuals. No. Not to erase some of these heinous actions. I’m not angry at them. I got bigger beef with a system that teaches them & backs them when these are actions take place. It’s the system that needs abolishing. Not all officers.
No one should be murdered. It pains me that it’s become, “every person for themselves”. Everyone deserves to go home at night. Absolutely everyone deserves to keep breathing, in spite of their crime or appearance, religion, sexuality, or gender.
I see kindness out here. I see a very confused, frustrated, confined ppl trying to figure it out while drowning, at the same time. I see ppl who don’t truly want to be racist or discriminatory but want a more enriched & fulfilling existence. I get that. I see beautiful ppl. If they are beautiful. I am beautiful. I’m not angry. I can’t be. I’m hurt. at times. Broken. In moments. Yet. I want everyone to go home. Regardless of everything. A traffic violation should result in a fine, ticket, or maybe a night behind bars until bail is posted. Not death. Never death.
I don’t feel strong. But it’s cool that it’s been written & I can entertain the thought of perceived strength. My ancestors sure knows I’ve needed it. I’m choosing to trust in the kindness of humanity. I believe it still exists. this is not a battle of racism. This is a battle of wealth vs the non-wealthy. But the non-wealthy cannot be united w the other non-wealthy individuals who are of diff gender, religion, sexuality, skin color, origins,… because they’d have too much in common. They’d outnumber the wealthy. I can’t be angry. So many of us are pawns. Ppl are still made up of love, water, past mess, bones, living matter, kindness, & honor. Their version of it, of course. But it is there. I’m going to choose to trust that human kindness, that love still wins in the end. That ppl are not inherently bad. That they can choose to be good. That they can choose to love. To be kind.
Too much? Well. I am without fear of my words, my actions, & my thoughts. They all come from the old school practiced belief of, “treating people the way you want to be treated.” there is no fear in love. And it was all for a point even if it was just one in my head.
I can only be what the people are. We’re all connected. Kindness. Love. Goodness. It can be spread. It is most certainly felt. Humans in their kindness and authentic spirit blows my mind. I am looking forward to experiencing so much more of humanity. Humans. Make me happy. Not all of them. But a considerable amount. And because of their positive energy, their good natured hearts, I believe that human kindness will prevail. I don’t know myself as well as I would like. I am always searching for more of me.
Too much? I feel a lot. Maybe too much. Maybe? I don’t believe humans have rights to anything on earth or space. We’ve all been given a time. A privilege, if you will, to breathe all of this in. There is a kindness in that act that we got to born into human bodies. That we can appreciate the beauty of all the art we’re surrounded by. What if we only saw each other as pieces of art? Hmm. Some you can take. Some you can leave. But no one would destroy it. Art is sacred. Left to interpretation. What if humans saw each other as art? We’d be regarded. Despite value. We’d be saved.
I could go on. But I will stop. All I see are beautiful people. Living matter that does not have to become human waste. We deserve to keep breathing & to make it home. Too much? How safe is this space? I feel like I’m too much & not enough at the same time. And all I want to be is one of the beautiful people. Not white. I love my skin. I see beauty in dark shades. one doesn’t have to lighten up to be one of the beautiful ppl. Yet, here, in the states that are not united, I’m regarded as one that is a potential threat and future human waste. Maybe all of this kindness is because I want to live to make it home after a police officer stops me for a traffic violation. I’ll want them to be kind & not angry with me so that I can get home, after a long shift worked, into midnight, falling into my sofa at 3am, to call mother, to let her know, “I’m home. Again”, on her voice mail.
