moving trains. (about suicide)

(an old classmate of mine threw herself in front of a moving city train on the 28th of May. Last night, the news, ricochet through classmates, via social media. we remembered her. i remember her. she had a soft energy. low vibration. tentative smile. she looked like hope and want. mashed into one. when she walked. she was quiet. she held herself. wrapped around herself. like something. she couldn’t free. trying to appear. open. she always came. early. stayed late. got the best scores. on tests. never forgot. why she came. we are all thinking. “NO”. she wouldn’t kill herself. she was fine. she was happy. she got married. she was happy. she looked happy. my classmates. they believe. she slipped. it must be an accident. they question. the validity. of the reports. i did. initially. then. i believed. she could have. slipped. intentionally. because. many have thought about. slipping. and falling underneath. moving trains.)

because

depression. don’t go dark. skip white. pick big. small. old. handicapped. athlete. the smart. the bright. the visually impaired. the hearing impaired. the widow. the fatherless. the mother. looking for her children from the window. the single. newlyweds. middle child. eldest. the shortest. the overfed. high scorers. geniuses. long jump. sprinters. or the poorest. the inmate. the murderer. the rapist. the minister. the priest. the one who loves dogs. the beaten. winners. animal lovers. mexican. the people that drive the machines that clean the streets. the homeless. the ones that waste. first world. third. over populated. under. it doesn’t choose people.

because

depression. takes the unhappy. it steals souls. takes spirits. if you are not satisfied. if you are down. if you are not pleased. if you miss the goodness. that is you. in you. when you lose. when you fail. when you’re violated. you’re fired. you got more bills. than income. more hunger. than food. kids. that drain. at your feet. more hope. than fulfillment. a job. that oppress. a life. not lived. more love. to get beat. not healing. hiding. in defeat. yes. depression is always lurking. in dark corners. on the edge. of endings. waiting for it’s turn. to get in. and take over. take you. everything that felt right. no longer is.

because

depression. is an extension. of other emotions. it’s easy to grab it and ride the chaotic wave. into a dark abyss. barely conscious. siphoning heartbeats. stilling your mind. along the way. it’s calming. it’s bliss. there is no pain.

because

depression. is marketed. sold. bought. our media. is wholesale. that’s free. but at a cost. to us. an orange man spits hate. hair on sideways. fluffed. on the front page of renowned magazines. main story on news. he is the news. he could be the leader. yes. depression. is inevitable. at this rate. we could be doomed. even the racist. has no idea. what he’s doing. peddling discrimination. out of fear. for himself. missing. we’re all. being consumed. it’s staring us. right in the future. transporting to our pasts. we’re paying. for this ache.

because

depression. is better than hope. that defeats. that throws down. that disappoints. that makes you throw tempers. in daggers. when the other shoe falls. it always falls. it beats expectations. when things remain the same. they never change. why did you think it could? why did you think it would? for you? never for you. you’re not that special.

because

depression. is safe. brooding. comfortable. it asks no extra. it doesn’t move. it occupies the same space. at the same time. the same triggers. the same lines. it won’t lift you up. when you don’t believe. you deserve it. it will meet you. under the covers. in a bright sunny afternoon. on an empty stomach. a body that doesn’t thirst. a mouth that won’t call for help. thoughts that ask you. what if i wasn’t here? what else is left? it will take you under bright waters. enchanting. swallow. what you can’t take. it will cover your throat while you sleep. it will turn your medicine into candy. it will take you on rides. that end.

because

depression. is real. yes. i can believe my old classmate allowed her body to meet. head on. with a moving train. to allow herself to be swallowed underneath. to take her last breath. perhaps. violently. to rid herself of the pain. her pain.

because.

not acknowledging it. doesn’t make it less real. it doesn’t go away. because they don’t believe it. it lingers. it’s there. it’s hurting. it’s dying. while awake. with your eyes open. not able to feel. your heart beating. or your chest rise. it’s not feeling. yourself walk. you’re floating. it’s going to work. grimacing. through it. keeping your head down. it’s sighing. while little blows of pointlessness. beat at you. on you. inside you. endlessly. it’s not sleeping. when you need. to sleep. it’s wanting. something else. not this. not like this. not this long. not this life. in this body. right now. in this time. not everyday. everyday? not everyday. it’s giving up. desire. wanting. this life. not this. not like this.

because

when that train comes. and it stops. it stands. there are seconds. to count. to peace. people exit. enter. closing doors. it could happen. it could be over. what else is there? is this it? to live this. to do this. for 40. 50 more years? to survive. hurting. not everyday. not like this. not this life. the kids are better off. without me. i had a good run. it looked good. on the outside. i faked it. well. i think. is this it? i can’t do it. not one second more. i don’t want to. i should be able to stop. living. if i choose. i choose. i choose. to free. me. the train moves. forward. it happens. however it happens. a decision is made. to end the pain. despite the pain. to get to peace. an ending. to stop. living. like this.

because

no one. should have to live. like this. not if you choose. what you want. for you. your life. and this! this is what you get. not like this. not soaring. flying. but limited. boxed. in body. confined. imprisoned. in mind. sucked dry. of energy. and you are made for more. so much more. than this. when you want. more. when you are. more. and this is it. not more. moving trains. may end. in peace. in freedom. in more. than this.

*this is not me condoning suicide. having had my own battles with suicidal ideation. during my young adult years. i am not against it. i support freedom. when it doesn’t impose. on another’s right to freedom. most importantly. this is me acknowledging. depression. mental illness. emotional disorder. i was diagnosed. as bipolar. over a decade ago. i was treated. i no longer am. yet. i still battle. to balance myself. i do remember. the times. when i thought about. ending me. basically. i understand. what it feels like. to want to quit. living. i respect my classmates wishes. and her acts. if she did “slip”. intentionally. underneath a moving train. i do not condemn her choice.*