Town Hall Meeting. (in black voices.)

i’ve been moaning. moaning. chanting. trying to breathe.

moan. chant. breathe. moan. chant breathe. try to sleep. eat. moan. get in the bed. breathe. keep breathing. please keep breathing. moan. chant. pray. no. i can’t pray. my god is off today. or maybe the gods are in a war themselves. moan. chant. i don’t want to breathe. i’m tired of breathing this wicked air. i’m tired of breathing this white supremacy air. i’m tired. chant. moan. chant. louder. maybe i’m not doing it right. this usually works. get in the bed. in the middle of the day. no. eat. don’t get back in the bed. i can’t eat. i can’t swallow. they’re killing us. they keep killing us for nothing. there is no just cause. telling us we’re not human. moan. just moan. call somebody. no. i can’t. i have nothing to say. write. no one cares about black love. just moan then. breathe. don’t stop breathing. i don’t want to die. i don’t want them to shoot me next. blame for me dying. breathe. i feel like i’m suffocating here. moan. chant. breathe.

my oracle met me in my dream. she did. i didn’t know i was sleeping. until she came in my grandmothers skin. i miss my grandmothers. they’d fix this. they’d know exactly why this was going on and how to stop it. she was here waiting for me. sitting outside of an outhouse in a place i’ve never been. she was smiling in the shade from the sun. i miss her smile.

“you will live. this won’t feel good to you. but you will get through this. you will keep breathing.”

“i don’t want to keep breathing. i don’t want this anymore. it’s a waste.” i sit at her feet.

“you’re not waste. you won’t be wasted. you will keep breathing. you have no choice about it. when it is your time. you will go. you won’t fight it. you will welcome it because you know dying is not the worst part. living is. this is the hard part. keep breathing. you’re no waste.”

in this time. i’ve heard a lot. i read a lot. things that have truly hurt my soul to be connected with. because we’re all connected. we’re human. we’re all nature. how could we not be one? i’ve felt the pain on both sides and it is no easy weight to bear.

all these beautiful black bodies / all these beautiful black bodies / all these beautiful black bodies swim in their own blood / they transistion in earth tones / leaving afrikan rainbows / in the sky / all these beautiful human bodies

she emailed me. just to check. on my inactivity. my god. i was on my knees when i heard the notification. i thought i turned my phone off. moan. chant. breathe. i just wanted to be. she emailed me. just to check. i unleashed. rage. grief. i mourned. in email. that i barely viewed. through tears that ran. like their blood. she emailed me. and it was the releasing i needed. she said it was okay. here? in my city. it’s not okay. it’s not been okay. they’re protesting at the Taste. (outdoor food festival) they don’t want us to buy. Billy Idol is playing around the corner with his shirt open though. don’t buy. how do i dull this ache if not with consumption? give me options BLM!

what if i told you? that i love you. without knowing you. without having seen your face. most of you. don’ have faces. so. don’t be upset when i pass you by on streets. or if i pass you on the street and i don’t speak. you only fit on screens. not real life. what if i told you? that i absolutely love you. without knowing you? just because you exist. just because you’re human. what if i told you, that you matter? yes. black lives matter. but i never had to chant that to myself. i never needed to march to prove it. you must know it. believe it. and speak it. what if i told you that i love you? publicly? that in this private space. i can type these words. but in your face. i will treat you like you deserve this life you were born into. that i love you with action. in deed. purely. with nothing. and give me nothing for it. love isn’t earned.

all these beautiful black bodies / all these beautiful black bodies / all these beautiful black bodies / swim in their own blood / they transition in earth tones / leaving afrikan rainbows / in the skies / all these beautiful human bodies

what if i told you that i have always loved you? in my black skin? in my limited human ways? in gen x ways? that i love you. because i love myself. and all you have to do is love. not in the private. silent way you’ve been doing. texting and emailing your black friends privately. no. love is not a private thing. support is not a private thing. stop being cowards. have a little back bone. black lives matter is not for black people. do i need to reiterate this fact? BLACK LIVES MATTER IS NOT FOR BLACK PEOPLE! it’s to the people that they don’t matter to. it’s out of self love. it’s out of courage. it’s out of support that these young and old people protest. treating a people. as if they are not people. and i support their every step. i understand their cause and the hope behind it. the pain in having to do it.

so. i ask you? are humans worth loving? only respond to this if you love yourself. if you do not. then you have more issues to work through that this meeting cannot address. if you do love yourself. are humans worth loving? all humans? publicly? i don’t want anymore of your private messages. i don’t want your pitying eyes. i am not a part of a culture that will accept that. don’t feel sorry for us. speak. say something. the black blood is at your door and you’re closing your doors. the blood doesn’t need your permission to enter. black lives matter is not for black people. i repeat. black lives matters is not for black people. it’s for the rest of you. to stop being cowards and believe it. when humans are being murdered in the street. it is a human problem. black people problems are systemic. systemic racism. which creates generational poverty. limited opportunities to collectively not be poor. poverty breeds violence. there is a vicious cycle at play. black people problems are systemic. it begins there. we’re playing “catch up”, with a boot on our neck. there you have it. you need proof? i have nothing to prove. google is your friend. black people being murdered is everyone’s problem. it’s not an american thing. america has a gun problem. underneath it all. america has a black lives don’t matter problem. like it had an indian land don’t matter problem. so. i ask you? are humans worth loving? to you? what can you do? would you like suggestions? because maybe your only exposure to black people is on a screen. dare i say. that is a problem. expose yourself to color. if you are color. expose yourself to more color. we are not pictures from a tv screen. we are not pictures from a tv screen. we are not pictures from a tv screen. we’re live. in skin and color.

all these beautiful black bodies / all these beautiful black bodies / all these beautiful black bodies / swim in their own blood / they transition in earth tones / leaving afrikan rainbows in the skies / all these beautiful human bodies

can you love humans? publicly? that’s the call. love humans. what makes a human, human? look that up in your own time. i am not here to prove i’m human. that we’re human. primary school science taught there is only one human race. there is only one human race. there is only one human race. now. can you love humans? publicly? how do you love? don’t answer me. love is action. keep your words. show humans that you love them. love black people. the moment you truly love black people. you will love muslims. you will love latino’s. you will love women. you will love gays, straight… you will know that those are divisive divisions in which to place people. for separation. you will know. you will be bigger. you will love. humans. you will be human again.

she emailed me. and it was beautiful. i wanted to rage. against the machine. i was a ball of grief. why isn’t everyone seeing this? are we this programmed? are we this nonhuman that we don’t care when humans take their last breath on screens? i didn’t desire movement. on my knees. calling out. the gods want you to call out. they’re usually busy with other world problems. they must hear you. call out. waiting for this nightmare to end. terrorism of black people. worldwide. this ain’t living. this ain’t living. humans shouldn’t keep running away from home. humans shouldn’t keep being displaced. this ain’t living. she emailed me. “black rebels, we’ve heard. maroons, we’ve seen. be the new, we need…we don’t have enough black beauty…” she emailed me. and it was beautiful. i wanted to rage. against the machine. aware. that there is only death. in battle. theirs or mine. i was ready. for mine. dying for something. is better than living for nothing.

breathe. chant. moan. moan. breathe. chant. no. stay here. don’t move. until you breathe. until you’re ready to function. like yourself. until you’re ready. remain here. breathe. just breathe. i’m so tired. of this thick white smog. i’m choking. i’m so tired of having to do. to be. to act. because those are the rules. i’m so tired of the rules. that say. i’m not human. that i could die. if they are scared. of the images they created of us. i’m so tired. moan. don’t be armed. arm yourselves. you’re not allowed. well, ain’t i human? this law for humans, ain’t it? then, this law for me. moan. i called on my gods. but i guess they were sleeping on that day. breathe. chant. no. okay. breathe. again. again. keep breathing. is it worth it? is this life worth it? i was born in power. reduced to this oppression. this oppressive living. that my people don’t belong in. breathe. don’t stop breathing. we are made for more than this. we are more than this. we are not the beasts. the beasts are the ones that kill us. that steal us. that throw us overboard for being pushed out of one country. while refusing to let us in another. the beasts are the ones that think we have no rights to any land. my history book and science book teaches we came first. chant. i don’t want to. why do we constantly need papers to prove we’re human? i need no identification to prove i live. here. or anywhere. i need no control. i have a voice. i should ask. i will ask. why? and still. i will never ever deserve to die.

all these beautiful black bodies / all these beautiful black bodies / all these beautiful black bodies / swim in their own blood / they transition in earth tones / leaving afrikan rainbows in the skies / all these beautiful human bodies

so. i ask you. are humans worth loving? to you. black lives matter is not for me. not because i love you. i do. i support the cause of my people. first and foremost. i will not love you. more than i love the pulse. of my people. the cause. it is a plea. to live. to stop being killed. to be left alone. to live. to breathe. to keep breathing. we should be allowed to breathe. our ancestors. our gods. they gave us life. they should be the only ones that take it. when that times comes. we never deserved anything less. than life. than to breathe.

“you’re not waste. you won’t be wasted. you will keep breathing. you have no choice about it. when it is your time. you will go. you won’t fight it. you will welcome it because you know dying is not the worst part. living is. this is the hard part. keep breathing. you’re no waste.”

*”thank you” to Shari M. for inspiration. motivation. and for remembering me*