all is well as far as timing is concerned. “whatever is, is best.”
the first part of the year hurt but i’m not sorry for it. i won’t say that i needed it but it helped me in many ways.
i write, i believe, because my mother supported it. i did a lot and she rarely noticed. she noticed the writing. she bought a word processor, binders, pencils, i had tons of pencil sharpeners, and tote loads of paper. i’ve always wondered if i do this thing because my mother noticed it or me. i don’t know. i write. i don’t always feel like a writer. not because of money, but because i always wonder about my motives. is it for me or to get attention from her? i still don’t know the answer to that after all these years.
i’m adopted within my family so i know how the other 6 turn out. i’m biologically one of seven. life ain’t been o crystal stair. i came when her only was 17 , i think. she was literally done and here i come.
i’ve earned or have tried to earn her love. she worked two jobs, sometimes three and all i saw was me making it hard for her when i wasn’t supposed to be there nor was i trying to make it hard either.
some of my childhood feelings have rolled right on over to adulthood. i’ve been trying to not make it hard and there are some things that are just plain unavoidable and uncontrollable in life. there is much i must work on in feeling secure in her life as daughter and not the extra kid. i did not realize this would be a lifelong effort on my part.
she may be proud of me, i don’t know. she’s a good person, although stuck in her old ways. there is pork bacon in my freezer right now and two of my plants are in her apt with her eyes on my tomato plant. it could be missing come tomorrow if i decide to take a walk. i don’t know but i hope that she is. i’ve tried a whole hell of a lot to get her to love me as just her daughter, not someone else’s.
i’m glad that you’re proud of me. it means a lot to me that you dig the stories. i’m sort of honored. as a person that happens to write, i second guess and doubt every story and poem. so much so that there are a lot of things that i decide to draft at the last minute. i want to be good. you know? i just want to be good at this. i’ve sure spent enough time doing it.