once upon a time. (warning.)

*warning: potential trigger for victims of rape*

once upon a time. i was a little girl. a little Black Girl. a little Black Girl that wore braids. That loved the color Red. that jumped fences. that outran all the boys. that did stand-up comedy for her stuffed animals. that watched the soap operas in the summer. that ate all the sweets her mother hid.

once upon a time. i lived in a little girl’s body. yet. i was never a little girl. i was a baby. i was a toddler. i was a care taker. i was a kid. i was a babysitter. i was a teenager. then. i was an adult. i was never a little girl.

once upon a time. born into a black body. a feminine body. i was bent over. over a mountain of dirty laundry. in a dark closet. under the stairs. with the smell of cookies. coming from the kitchen. my mouth was stuffed. with socks. unclean socks. boy socks. on top of dirty laundry. sounds of grunts. filled my ears. not my own. i was silent. i never let my tears fall. i clutched dirty laundry. in seven year old hands. that was made for fresh baked cookies. and rubix cube mastery. drawing. i drew my mother. in my head. me at her feet. silent. while she watches. dynasty. after a long day’s work. with her feet soaking in a pan. beside me. she is beside me. and we’re clean.

once upon a time. my black body. my feminine body. grew. taller. not out. at ten. i was taller. than many women. who had their own ten year old’s. my shoe size and age. were the same. i was not a little girl. i was too big. too cry. to go first. to have a moment. for myself. i had to fix it. for the little ones. hold their hands. crossing the street. get them to class. first. pick them up. after. i had to keep them safe. from themselves. from everyone else. my tears. hid in dark corners. when he came. again. and again. and again. in me. i was not a little girl. my childhood. thrust out of me. left in cracks. crevices. like spiders. that crawl to safety. that crawl to home. in a time. i should grow. into me. he grew. inside me. for three years. in corners. where no one swept. they never saw. my childhood. rotting. underneath the wood.

once upon a time. my black body. my feminine body. an adult. a size 8. at best. did not eat. did not desire food. did not thirst. did not require. the living. wanted the end. the final end. to not be left. alive. hurting. aching. hiding. in corners. licking wounds. to heal. to mend. they re open. again. again. and again. i endure. again. again. and again. i have no tears. i’m sore. my soul. bleeds waterfalls. of blood. i did not save. myself. i did not save enough. love for me. to heal. no one had enough. love for me. to heal. i visit psychiatric wards. to save myself. i am still left in corners. i am almost. dust.

once upon a time. my black body. my feminine body. older. coping. healing. dusting the corners. more than once. daily. wrote a letter. to my kidnappers. of childhood. by name. wallace. bishop. paulina. (not their names): you. the one i trusted. you. the one that was to care. you. the one. i was left with. you. the one. to be guarded by. you. who was to protect. me. you. who i thought. was my friend. you failed. you stole. one that was not yours to take. and finally. i have put myself back. together again. i am not your conquest. i am your doom. i am your darkness. i am your haunting. you will never forget my tears. they will never stop raining on you. and when you try sleeping. sleep won’t have you. rest will not be for. i have spent hours on end. deciding what i’d say. to a friend. if i ever saw him again. i’d say: once upon a time. my black body. my feminine body. was stolen. by you. now? i got it back. i saved myself. i am my own happy ending.