Socially Coming Out As Trans
Living unapologetically and fully as my authentic self
In these past few months, I’ve decided to live more unapologetically and fully in a way that feels more authentic to my true self. Over the past few years, I lived somewhat quietly as non-binary, not really intro’ing myself as enby, or specifically preferring they/them pronouns and saying so.
I think, for me, the idea of living out and proud non-binary/gender fluid just felt exhausting — having to answer the inevitable awkward questions, having to defend myself and my choices, and living each day with the anxiety of being so “different” from what society expects.
I don’t think I could pinpoint all that has changed that’s made me decide to throw open the closet door again a whole 15 years after throwing open the queer one. I will say though, a funny thing happens when there is progress and inclusion in an LGBTQ+ person’s life. They don’t feel quite as terrified in being who they really are.
Here are some things I’ve come to realize have allowed me to feel empowered to exist more openly as non-binary and trans:
1. D&I baby, D&I. Diversity and Inclusion. I currently work somewhere that has an explicit policy in place that prohibits discrimination based on gender identity or expression.
2. Awareness. Friends, loved ones, and acquaintances are talking about it and speaking up about the importance of acceptance of LGBTQ+ identities. And in music, TV, magazines etc. — queer and gender divergent folks are seen more and more in a positive light.
3. Access. For as long as I could remember, getting my hands on resources, info, and certainly medical tools to aid in my seeking to become more “me” wasn’t exactly easy. Now, there are hoards of YouTube videos, blogs, and of course, informed consent where access to HRT is much more attainable.
So it makes sense, that with this enormous shift in society and in the medical world — this growth — in the awareness of gender dysphoria and euphoria and trans identities as something to be accepted (and even better, at times, affirmed) and not stigmatized — would lead me, and folx like me, to feel a bit more at ease in seeking treatment and care related to transition.
So, that’s how it happened for me. Later in life, at the ripe old age of 35. I saw a younger pal doing it, asked how, and from there it was a domino effect.
I devoured YouTube videos and articles on what transition and trans life was like. I talked to my wife [Jesse] and my therapist. I reached out to trans acquaintances and am forever grateful that they put up with the onslaught of baby trans questions. I researched (exhaustively) the timeline of changes I could expect in taking testosterone. I felt terrified…and then completely ravenous at the prospect of bottom growth. I followed numerous FTM and non-binary trans Instagram accounts and scarcely blinked as I watched their transformations with sharp pangs of longing.
And then I decided.
And instead of telling friends one by one and bracing myself for them trying to figure out what to say — how to be supportive or trying to not say the wrong thing, I just ripped off the band-aid via a longer-than-average social media post.
Happy Friday friends & Fam! We made it through the first full week of August.
Life has always been an adventure with my Jesse, and though we joke all the time about being “old and boring” we’re far from it. As our nearest pals know, we’ve had a tough time on our path to find a new home. But we made it. We’re in…surrounded by boxes, but we’re home. Life is so, so short. The world around me seems to be on fire and as someone who’s battled anxiety; it’s a constant struggle just to know that by existing I’m winning at life. Along with the wild ride of trying to find our perfect home; I’ve also been inspired by so many around me, many who live life to the fullest — unapologetically grabbing life by the horns and many who love me and have shown me how much they love me through repeated generosity and showing up when I need them most.All of this and more has led me to this post and to be more intentional — because why not? Like I said in my post the other day — I just want to be the me that feels best and right. I’ve struggled with gender/my own gender identity for over a decade. I’ve been incredibly fortunate to have the support of an incredible wife as well as a really rad therapist to help me navigate this pain, confusion, and societal stigmas/bullshit “norms.” I don’t know if there’s really an end to my journey, but I know that my gender is fluid and I am non-binary. This means that my gender is not exclusively masculine or exclusively feminine — and is outside the gender binary our society so aggressively attaches to people at birth and beyond. Though I was assigned female at birth, I am actually trans — in that my gender identity does not align with my assigned gender at birth.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you. In my daily life I plan to go by “Ab” instead of the name you all know me by. I also do not feel comfortable with feminine terms like “girl, lady, woman, etc.” and while I am beginning to lean more towards they/them pronouns, I don’t lose sleep over being referred to as “she” … or “he” for that matter.
I don’t expect all of my loved ones to get this down pat right away — especially those that have known me for 30+ years, but if you help me by honoring this, it’ll make me better — make it easier, much easier to live my life fully and authentically.
It’s cost me thousands of dollars in therapy, hours of soul-searching, living life in pain and fear, and oodles of job-related discrimination to get to where I am. It’ll cost you nothing to affirm and acknowledge the real me.
The response from friends and family rocked me to my core. It literally left me sobbing — wiping tears of grateful disbelief away.
And now, a little more than a month later and three weeks on T, internally I am still going through so much. I am still processing what this all means, still anxious about the future, my job, the physical changes to come — but largely, my little world, with regards to my coming out as trans, is quiet. And why shouldn’t it be? I’m still me
… though growing a little more …
dashing by the day.
