you’ve got my heart in a chokehold

How can I feel so numb, so emotionless, yet at the same time feel terrified and lost? How can I both feel nothing and feel everything at the same time? Everything is flat and shades of gray but it’s also black & cold.

My mind is overwhelmed with emptiness, with nothingness, it’s full of static. My thoughts are not my own, I don’t have control. My words come out jumbled, I can’t spell correctly, I can’t pronounce the words. I blank out and can’t speak. I can’t focus on what you’re saying, I hear your words but can’t grasp their meanings. My response is delayed because I can’t process what you’re saying in time because all the swirls, the swirls & the spirals of thoughts that I’m not choosing to think. I’m not really here, but I want to be. I want to hear what you’re saying and connect with your feelings, with your thoughts. I want to let you know how much you mean to me and how interesting your thoughts are but I’m blank. My body is here, my heart is with you but my mind is somewhere else, somewhere out of my control.

Who am I if I am not my thoughts? If I can’t control them, am I even real, am I even human? When someone is abusing you; you leave, you run away. But what do you do you do, where do you go, when that someone is your mind?

The static is so loud and the volume control is broken. I can’t focus, I can’t feel. I feel too much, I’m a child lost in the dark, afraid of the dark. I feel dead inside, cold inside, the darkness is within, but the thoughts, the tornadoes of darkness is not me? But then what is me? If I’m not in control of my mind, am I even me?

I act like an asshole, I say words I don’t mean, I lash out, I push people I love away. I push them away because I’m afraid they’ll leave me if they see how crazy I am. Why wouldn’t they? Who would want to know me if I’m not even me?

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