Hi, I’m…

Clare Lee
Clare Lee
Sep 2, 2018 · 2 min read

Insignificant.

That’s the thought that pops into my head during the quiet moments throughout the day. Whether it is the silent seconds waiting for a friend to reply or sitting on the toilet without my phone to distract me, my depression rears its ugly head during these small increments of tranquility.

I recently graduated from university. This should be a moment of pride and hope, but all I feel is an overwhelming sense of anxiety. Sure, I get that you understand what I mean. Sure, you probably felt something similar at one point or another. Sure, this feeling of anxiety is known to develop during moments of great change. But also no. No, my anxiety is not related to any of that. I am anxious because now I have one less thing to distract me.

“Posture Class for Girls at Barnard College, students demonstrating the ‘drooping daisy’ exercise for relaxation.” photo by Walter Sanders, New York 1954 — This photo pretty much reflects how depression feels to me.

In high school I was able to ignore my depression and anxiety by over-committing myself to various clubs and after-school activities. I overloaded on my classes and took all the advanced placement classes I could possibly fit. I just needed to be busy…because the alternative was to face my mental illness and be paralyzed by its presence. I barely made it to graduation and afterwards I hurled myself into preparing for university. Adjusting to a new country with a new language was difficult, so that kept me on my toes. Then, around junior year, I realized I needed to join a research lab to prep my CV for graduate school. I knew in order to join a lab, I would need to free up my schedule. Thus, I left student ambassadors and cut down on my thirty-hour work week.

Suddenly, I had too much time on my hands. I soon found that joining a lab did not mean I would have tasks to accomplish right away. It came with a huge learning curve, but it did not demand as much time as my previous extracurricular activities. I began to spiral and my depression worsened to the point where my memory became affected. It started gradually and then during midterms season I crashed. I failed that exam and sought immediate counseling.

I began to heal. Then, I crashed again. I sought medication. It began to work. Then, it didn’t. Now I am just trying to figure my own shit out — by myself. I’m not sure who will stumble onto this and I’m not sure anyone will even read it, but if me trying to figure myself out helps you in anyway, then I am happy my verbal vomit has done some good. I honestly just needed a place to translate my messy thoughts into tangible words…and I think this will be the perfect place to document my journey of self-discovery and self-improvement.

Hello, I’m Clare. It’s nice to meet you.

Clare Lee

Written by

I’m just trying to figure things out.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade