Week 12: 080316–080916

So like I said: time moves differently here in Berlin.

This week was one of the most intense: 2 days of depression where my anxiety kicked into overtime, 2 of the best nights I have ever had while here in Germany, the other 3 days a blur. Not in that order, by the way, which shows that life can throw you unexpectedly everywhere and you can still feel okay.

I am learning so much about myself in such a small amount of time. I did not expect for all of this to effect me the way it has. I still do not know if I can pinpoint the areas of growth, but I know I have them.

Personally: I am stronger than I thought I was. Alone I am great, but I am never really alone.

Academically: I have the ability to apply myself if I really want to.

Creatively: I can pour what I love into different areas of my life and put a creative spin on it. I am going to move forward this semester to try and find a way to morph all that I love into something. I do not know if I plan to write one day, or teach, or work, or whatever, but I want to do something where I know I can put my greatest thoughts together and produce something great that I love.

I have always felt behind like I was not too sure of what made me special from the rest of the people around me. I realize that this is silly, that of course I am unique, I am capable. I am finally asking for help in areas where I know I need improvement, but I am also finally giving myself credit where it is due. I do not know what the rest of this trip will bring with just about a week left.

Time moves so differently here, and I have come to appreciate the concept of it more and more. We think we have to reach some deadline, some clock is ticking somewhere telling us to get our shit together. Yet, there really is nothing out there telling us. It is all in our head, or society’s pressures, or someone else. When you can breathe and realize that it is all up to you, then every thing seems a little easier to tackle. Especially after you learn that you can trust yourself.

I am so happy that I pushed myself to do this abroad program.