Boys & Girls: Let’s do Joy, Not War

William Nyikuli
Sep 9, 2018 · 7 min read

So I just run into a blog from earlier this year on my social media feed. I cringed reflexively at the headline, but decided to check it out anyway, to see the argument in support of the provocative headline “If He Truly Wants You, He Will Pursue You”. I wasn’t convinced.

But it was also a good thought experiment in dating dynamics and gender relations in urban cities. I thought the author had an idealized, romantic and traditional view of male-female dynamics that’s outdated and just not how the reality of modern urban living is. My thoughts:

Despite what a woman might think are the reasons why a man doesn’t pursue her strong enough, the ultimate and genuine reason is the fact that he’s simply not into her enough. Let’s settle this once and for all. He is not shy. You do not intimidate him.

Wait wait wait. Women absolutely can be intimidating. I don’t subscribe to the school of thought that men and women are the same (we’re equal of course, but still generally different. That said, people have their personalities and styles. There is of course a gigantic gap between just being meek and being a brute, but that’s my point! Not every man is the “alpha” caveman type to “pursue his prey”. Nor is every man the smooth suave 007 that will surprise her with. And we shouldn’t have to be.

“If a man is interested, no distance will stand in the way. But if he is not interested, you can live next door, and that’s too far for him to go.”

False dichotomy, and also the the author is minimizing women’s own agency.

Sure sometimes we men need to be braver, the proverbial “man up”. But it could also be that he has legitimate other priorities (after all there’s no god-given right for any one individual to be a priority in anyone else’s life).

It could be that he is getting the vibes that there is a “strong connection” and that the woman is fine with that. Rather than “wait for him to chase her” why not communicate what she wants?

Or maybe he is being cautious and measured in a #MeToo environment because she also happens to be a work colleague, and the dynamic is different in the office.

Or maybe he’s moving to Eastern Europe in six months and he hasn’t told you yet.

etc.

There are plenty of legitimate reasons for that complicate “nothing standing in the way”.

A man has a strong desire to be the initiator in relationships. That’s part of his manhood. He wants to seize the challenge.

But people want to initiate a relationship with someone that they feel wants a relationship. Also naturally, they would be more likely to approach someone whom they feel has a reasonable chance of reciprocating.

A man loves the pursuit. Trust me. When he sees what he wants, he goes after it. If a man you adore is not pursuing you, he is not interested in you.

Men can make endless excuses as to why they don’t go after a woman. They’ll tell her anything, and many times even lie to her or go around the bush in order to prevent her from feeling hurt or knowing that they’re simply not interested.

I just hope that the suggestions here isn’t that women don’t or won’t lie.

A man will say that he’s busy, that he’s swamped with work, that he has other things going on, or he might even ghost a woman, and not pay much attention to her.

Come on, you can replace “man” with “woman” here and it will be just as true.

He is charming, fully equipped with a mesmerizing smile and a laugh that makes you melt. He opens doors for you, and he’s even taken you on a few dates. But, what about all the confusing text messages that completely mislead you? What about all the times that you’ve been left wondering if you did something wrong to have upset him or cause him to lose interest in you?

Or could also be —

She is beautiful, has the most perfect visage with a mesmerizing smile and a laugh that makes you melt. She respects you and she’s even had a few dates with you. But what about all the flaking on texts that completely mislead you? What about all the times you’ve been left wondering if you did something wrong to have upset her or cause her to become bored with you?

Stop chasing after a boy who won’t give you the time of day, or who isn’t putting in the effort to talk to you. The second that you begin to doubt that you are anything special is the second you need to stop talking to him.

Don’t be the woman that lets a man play with her mind, her feelings, or even her body. A woman should be confident and secure enough with herself, and she should know her self-worth and not waste her time by waiting around for a man who’s not willing to go after and pursue her.

Of course! But why not go further than that and say she should know her self-worth and not wait to find a man who will pursue her and go after her to get that self-worth, because a man “willing to go after and pursue her” shouldn’t be someone’s source of self-worth. She should already be cultivating her self-worth and know her value. And it should be intrinsic.

The idea of letting a man pursue you might sound old-fashioned but consider this: A man will show you who he is by how he dates you. The way he communicates with you, and romances you, and tries to impress you.

A real man will pursue you every day.

?

A real man will motivate you to be the best you that you can be, and he will admire you for all your flaws. He won’t say that he accepts those flaws and then use them against you when he’s angry or frustrated with you like a boy would, a real man will respect you no matter what. A real man will lead you closer to your goals because he wants you to succeed, and he wants you to be happy.

Now finally, something reasonable enough.

A real man will not play with your emotions like a toy, and he won’t call you only when it’s convenient for him. Life is busy, but if he truly cares about you he will make time for you, not just try to squeeze you into a certain time slot when he has nothing going on.

You should be with a man that shows you that he cares, a man that won’t have you questioning everything or have you confused, you should be with a man that sees you as a “priority”.

This of course depends on relationship expectations. I know plenty of women that would find a man that calls them too much to be suffocating and needy. I know women that are drawn to men who have purposeful lives that don’t make women their entire purpose of life.

Also if someone is questioning themselves, or are confused, it could be their own self-talk that they need to handle. Nobody deserves to be in emotionally abusive relationships — whether romantic, platonic, business, etc. But also it’s unhealthy do derive one’s self-worth and self-esteem externally, especially from another person.

At the end of the day, we only control ourselves and our happiness is our own responsibility.

Let me tell you right now that you don’t deserve to be “talking” to someone. You do not deserve to submit yourself to being a “thing” with someone. NO. You deserve a love so pure that even the whitest rose could not compare to the purity of your feelings for one another. You deserve to have confidence that you are more than a thing or someone for him to hang out with when it’s convenient for him.

Subtle, and I think the tone here betrays what’s really going on. What’s wrong with “talking” to someone? Why can’t you be a “thing” with someone? That’s completely acceptable if it’s mutual.

Being alone can be hard sometimes but liking someone who isn’t interested or doesn’t show his interest for you can be even more painful. Time will take its course. And in that time while you wait for him, love yourself so fiercely that only a true man would be brave enough to pursue you.

As a woman, it’s imperative to go into every new situation with an open heart and a blank, clean slate. Having said that, it’s also imperative not to let your heart fully go until you know that a man is truly and genuinely interested in you as well.

Your feelings are your feelings, there doesn’t have to be an ego attached there (fully aware that’s easier said than done!). If we’re into someone, and they’re not into us, that’s ok, we should just acknowledge and accept our feelings. We certainly shouldn’t beat ourselves over it, nor should we be bitter at the other person for not returning our affection in-kind. We should respect people’s individuality and accept that they also experience their reality and wants separate fro m how we would want it to be for them— we’re not entitled to other people.

Lastly, while I do like the advice to love yourself “fiercely”, hopefully the unstated accompanying advise is that is is also advisable to have a good amount of grace and kindness along with that “fierce”

Girl-Boy dynamics doesn’t t need to be WAR! of attrition. Part of healthy dating dynamics I think is to be able to laugh, smile, be curious, and to see this as something joyful. This is not some pollyanna ‘think positive’ blather, but approaching social interactions — any type, not just romantic — interactions in terms of what other people “owe me”, with battle lines set from the outset, is a recipe for fractious interactions with people.

I end with this quote by Leo Babauta, of Zen Habits:

We look for happiness from others, but this is an unreliable source of happiness. Other people will come and go, or they’ll be emotionally unavailable for their own personal reasons.

And here’s the thing: it’s not their job to fill our emotional needs.

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