A Million Shades Of Fucked Up.

We all tell ourselves that we are better than other people, that we are a good person. Atleast that is what I had been telling myself all these years. But, now I know that I am not the person I thought myself to be. Lying to people about what you are, is sad; but lying to yourself about what you really are, is a tragedy. I have lived a pathetic life and now I realise the truth. The truth is that there is a side to me which I never knew or maybe I did, but did not want to acknowledge. The side where dark clouds loom over the sky. The side where trees grow thorns instead of leaves. The side where flowers wither away with a single breeze of wind. The side where there is no grass, just mud. The side where moon is scared of the night. The side where birds don't chirp and animals cry.

I've tried to run, to hide from this side of mine, but it wouldn't leave me alone, so I stopped looking in that direction. But, now I feel being pulled towards it. And I see grey. So many, many shades of it. I am slipping into the deep end and I have no control. I hate it. I look into the mirror and all I see is a pitiful, jealous, selfish, weak and scared woman. I see how evil I can be. How dark! What a monster!

I can’t move. A part of me wants to explore, but the chains bearing the thorns of fear hold me back. They dig deep into me. Hurt me. I bleed. I bleed the tears of blood, of pity, of weakness. I don’t recognise myself anymore. Who have I become? I cry. I cry to the top of my lungs. I move. I want to run. This pain is unbearable; the surroundings, scary. I cry and cry and cry till I can’t cry anymore. I close my eyes and hope it to end till I fall asleep.
I open my eyes. The sun shines so bright. I stand up and look around. The flowers bloom. The birds chirp. The trees look alive. I see fields of grass. There’s noise. There are colours. People look happy. They look at me and smile. I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know who I really am-this sweet, kind and joyful person or the monster I have realised myself to be. I don’t know which is real, the warmth of the sun on my body or the terrors of the dark nights. I dont know what I am, a beautiful dream or a nightmare. All I know is that I am a million shades of fucked up.

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