33. Johnny Guitar (1954)

Directed by Nicholas Ray
Written by Philip Yordan
Starring Joan Crawford, Sterling Hayden, and Mercedes McCambridge

Vienna is only in danger when she stops dressing like a man. Without a functional legal system, justice hinges on loyalty and malice. Imagine living in a house built into the side of a mountain instead of a row home sandwiched between two other houses. A play X and I once saw described Philadelphia as a city of wet cracker boxes sagging under their own weight. I guess Westerns aren’t all dick-swinging swagger. An unarmed Johnny cradles a delicate coffee mug during his first public appearance. It’s for the best I didn’t change my last name to Guitar a few years back. Like, let’s not set the bar too high. Emma’s spittle flies with rage as she links Vienna to her brother’s death. Fucking with rage spittle is ill-advised. We could think of Vienna as a gentrifier of the American West, an entrepreneur betting on waves of wealthy, new arrivals. Perhaps anticipating a similar demographic shift, the city put in zoned parking on the street adjacent to mine. My neighborhood is only cool if you’re jazzed about being walking distance from the Target (tbh it does kind of rule). The old school South Philly family across from us still gets into screaming matches on the street. Everyone opens their doors to watch. Apparently my sister called the cops on them after an eight-year-old’s birthday party devolved hours later into a drunken brawl. None of this is lynch-worthy. Poor Turkey, who probably would have grown up to be a womanizing scumbug. Not a cat caller, but the nice guy type. Johnny has somehow divested himself of scary masculine aggression, maybe because Vienna won’t take that shit. When will people learn the true dangers of chandeliers? If you cross under a waterfall, you should see mystical animals and a garden paradise, not a homestead for bros. “Could you spare a little breakfast?” is a bold question to ask your lady’s FWB after he hooked you up with some dry clothes. Vienna puts eggshells in the coffeepot while fixing a waiting Johnny’s meal. Turns out wearing the pants doesn’t count for much if you’re not packing the right kind of gun.