From Shame towards Self-Acceptance
by Pedro, protagonist of unseen
Since I came to the United States with my parents in search of a cure for my blindness in my teens, I was told that in order to survive and stay safe in a new and foreign land, I had to put my head down and fly under the radar. At the beginning, I couldn’t fully comprehend what it meant to be an undocumented immigrant. But life in the United States quickly made me realize the complexity of my situation. I constantly felt like an outsider, a burden, and even a criminal. Yet, the hard work and labor of my parents, along with millions of other undocumented immigrants, were not only needed but demanded to contribute to this great nation. This constant dilemma gave me headaches. I didn’t understand where I belonged in this society, especially when I added my blindness and mental health issues into the mix. It became overwhelming.
I internalized the judgment and discrimination I faced, believing that I deserved a lifelong penalty for not having papers and not being able to adjust my status. I convinced myself that I needed to become invisible, unseen, hoping that if I behaved as an exemplary immigrant, our existence would be spared. I settled for being a third-class citizen, accepting the crumbs of freedom and wealth thrown at us, which, in all fairness, were slightly more than what we had in our home country. I tried my best to become the ideal immigrant, despite the odds stacked against me and my family. We found a way for me to go to college, stay out of trouble, work hard, and uplift our community, hoping to contribute to this nation and find that imaginary immigration line everyone told me to get in.
Looking back, I realize I was doing it all for the wrong reasons. I was afraid and ashamed of being undocumented. I wanted to collect as many brownie points as possible to prove to this country, and maybe even to myself, that we were not a burden or criminals. I wanted to feel like we belonged as humans and not as substandard beings. In my pursuit of gaining acceptance, I completely ignored parts of my identity that were deemed undesirable — my undocumented status, blindness, and mental health issues. I sentenced myself to live in shame.
Shame is a strange companion. I constantly felt inadequate, unworthy, and unlovable, not because of anything I did, but simply for who I was. I believed I didn’t deserve to be treated as a person, not even by myself. Neglecting self-care and engaging in self-destructive behaviors became my favorite pastime. I was highly avoidant, as shame thrives in darkness. For some reason, I was determined to punish myself, although I couldn’t pinpoint why. Living in shame while trying to be an exemplary immigrant almost destroyed me. I was living two completely different lives simultaneously — one in the light, where I was praised for my resilience and determination to succeed despite my circumstances. People have seen me as an inspiration, but I have questioned what exactly I am inspiring them to do. I have simply been trying to survive and keep my head above water, as giving up was never an option because it meant bringing down my parents with me. At the same time, I lived another life in the darkness, where my inner demons kept me down.
My inner demons didn’t allow me to fully enjoy the fruits of my hard work or acknowledge my accomplishments. I couldn’t take credit for anything good happening in my life, but I was quick to blame myself for any misfortunes or setbacks. Despite being surrounded by people, I constantly felt alone, unheard, and unseen. It was an internal battle. I longed for emotional connection with others, yet I was terrified of letting them see both the light and darkness within me. This led me to develop a disorganized attachment style — being needy and avoidant at the same time.
When Set initially approached me about our film, unseen, I honestly didn’t know what I was getting myself into. If I had known the impact it would have, I probably would have declined because shame likes to live in darkness. However, I chose to participate for three main reasons. First, Set’s kind and chill nature made it easy for me to trust them. Second, raising awareness about the intersectionality between mental health, disability, and immigration is crucial to me, as it is a topic rarely discussed. Third, and with full disclosure, a part of me hoped that through this project, I would finally find that elusive immigration line everyone talked about.
As the project took shape, I realized that participating in unseen meant exposing my vulnerability. Vulnerability was a foreign concept to me, something I saw as a weakness that would only lead to more hurt. I never imagined that vulnerability could be the antidote to shame. However, as I had more intimate conversations with Set, I discovered that the more I talked about my issues in a safe and judgment-free environment, the less shame I felt. Opening up allowed me to identify the irrational and unhelpful thoughts and beliefs fueling my shame, and it became easier to challenge them. I sought professional help, engaged in self-care, embraced self-compassion and self-love, and allowed friends and family to get close to me.
unseen unexpectedly brought me face-to-face with my biggest challenge — shame. Working on my shame is an ongoing journey, but it has transformed the way I see life. While the external circumstances may not have changed significantly, my perspective has shifted. I now work hard because it gives me a sense of purpose, I avoid trouble because I believe in treating others with kindness, and I elevate my community because I want to pay forward the support I have received. Rather than operating from a place of shame, I now try to act from a place of love and self-acceptance.
unseen has definitely been a roller coaster for me, but I’m so glad that I jump in. unseen has been a crucial part of my healing process. unseen has not only helped me to confront my inner demons, but also has allowed me to meet beautiful people. Thank you for being part of this journey.
Pedro is the recipient of the 2024 International Rhoda G. Sarnat Award by the National Association of Social Workers.
unseen is available to stream on PBS through June 16, 2024.