Finding Womanhood- I Am Golden.

Raina Watson
Jul 25, 2017 · 5 min read

I have been through many terrible things that have degraded who I am as a woman. Sexual harassment, bullying, body image shaming, rape, and the general vulgarity of some people has set me back a few steps in the search for womanhood. In my travels across the country, I was recently on a bike ride with a good friend (who happens to be a male). He’s gentle, guiding, and protective if a situation of need presents itself- but he knows me, and he knows that I’m strong in my self image. I’ll stand up for myself when the time is appropriate, but we experienced something that caught me off guard.

While biking on a trail and through the city of Minneapolis, a man passed us in the opposite direction on foot. He was running, mid forties, very sweaty, minimally attractive (in my book). He said something to me that I will not repeat to the world, because it doesn’t need to be repeated. It was words of hate, objectivism, and none of it came from love.

It took me a moment to truly understand what he had said. My friend who was a few paces in front of me knew he’d said something, and asked what had happened. When I looked back at him shocked, he looked concerned knowing how those few words had hurt me. I told him what happened. He is not a woman- he had no advice to give, no words to share, only a loving presence to offer in my confused and emotional state.

I took in the way my friend reacted, I took in the look the passing man had in his eyes, I took in all the emotions that disrespect comes with. I quickly came to the conclusion that strangers can treat you however they please, but it’s your treatment to and of yourself that truly changes who you are.

I had to remind myself that I am woman, I am beautiful, I am gold. I am whatever I make myself. I had to remind myself of that because the man on foot (who was running, and very well could have been running from himself) disrespected me, that didn’t mean I should disrespect myself. In that moment I had to dig deep into my roots and find the belief that I am truly beautiful.

People ask me all the time how I find this beauty in myself, because I didn’t used to see myself as beautiful. I used to look in the mirror and not truly see the person I was. I started one day telling myself I was gorgeous, pretty, any adjective that is positive about feminine figures- I blurted unbelievingly at my reflection. I didn’t believe myself, for the longest time. It got easier.

As time went on, as I grew, I found that I was starting to believe these ridiculous notions I had been spewing at my reflection. One day I looked in the mirror, an accidental glance, and really saw myself for the first time since I was a little girl. I stopped and cried, realizing I had neglected myself of love for so long. The tears were also happy because of the beauty I truly saw in myself. I finally believed I was beautiful, I was worthy of love. I was finally able to breathe in fresh air, to drop my shoulders and stop carrying the weight of hate.

Since that moment I have been digging even deeper, trying to find who I truly am as a woman. Without the moments in the mirror, without telling myself over and over I was beautiful, I wouldn’t have been able to tell myself I was beautiful when the man on the trail made me feel anything but beautiful. Self love is no joke, it’s hard work if you’ve neglected yourself for a while. Even after a few days of not giving myself time to reconnect, I find it that much more difficult to connect love within who I am.

Tell yourself the things you would tell others- are these things positive, do they make you feel good? Good! keep telling yourself those things, grow stronger, understand who you are and the kind of love you need. I think the one thing people neglect to see is that no one can do it (whatever the task of ‘it’ is, in this case it’s self love) for them, a journey of importance must generally be taken alone. Be strong for yourself, be loving for you. You are the only guarantee you have in this life. Let your growth come from within.

I hope my struggles in finding womanhood can help you find yours, I’m always here for the people who follow me. I’ll never turn away someone looking for advice. Please, if you have questions- reach out. If you have concerns- I’ll listen. I’m busy, and yes it may take me a while to get back to you, but I will always be here as an outlet for whoever may need it.

This story is to announce the I Am Golden project, shot with the amazing photographer Baylee Duzenberry. The final edits can be found here on her website, or here on mine. Be golden, stay golden- you are golden. This project was about being proud of myself as a woman, being in love with who I am. I have never felt quite as free as I did being naked, covered in gold leaf, prancing in the streets of Kansas City. Namaste, to all of you lovely people. Thank you, truly, for listening.

Raina Watson

Written by

Creator. Yogi. Live of love. RainaWatson.com

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