Thank you for inviting me to speak at this beautiful gathering of marketing professionals. My name is Soren Ivar. I know some of you are already nodding off, so I’ll get to the point. While influencers use their charisma and social currency to uplift various products and services, brands hire me to use their competitor’s products, thereby weaponizing my ability to make things repulsive and uncool. You see, I’m social media’s first celebrity dissuader.

Consumers see me using a product they also enjoy, and then they no longer want to use it. I unfriended Friendster. I shattered Google Glass. …

Wayne Niemi

Los Angeles-based writer. His work has appeared in Slackjaw, Points in Case, Los Angeles Times Magazine, The American Drivel Review, and Sport Literate.

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