The End Begins.

Photo: Elijah Henderson — Unsplash

The bags are like dead weight, my arms are being pulled out of their sockets, jeez the handles already cutting into my hands, good job I can’t feel my fingers. Do not put them down, do not, just walk keep walking. If you put them down before you reach the steps you’re a fucking loser, no you’re a faggot, no your sister will die horrifically in a car crash. It’s like another 25 yards, pussy, stop fucking moaning, my god what a fucking faggot, breathe… come on you can do it breathe, no, come on…FUCKING BREATHE MAN!

Why am I carrying both and he’s just got the rounds bag, how did that work out? We’re supposed to be equal in all this…but he lent me his Neo coat, I love this coat, shit man I need wind, it’s cooler when it opens like black angel wings, in slo-mo even better. Ha, wouldnt that be awesome?

Why did he lend me his coat?

Why is he silent?

Fuck why is he so quiet? He’s not going to go through with it, he’s going to turn on me, he’s going to set me up he’s freaking out about what just happened. What the fuck did just happen?

Am I shaking? Aw shit I’m shaking like a pussy…Pull yourself together man. I know I wanted to be clear headed, sharp, but not taking my meds was a dumb ass move. Now the fucking caffeine is like a rocket in my veins.

The bags are cutting deep man, into my hands. What the fuck, I gotta put the bags down.

“I gotta put the bags down man.”

“What the!…No man, keep moving…Fuck…Yes, a second.”

The bags drop. They land on a red blanket of crunchy fall leaves.

“Hey Clay, what you got in the bags?”

“Fuck Ginero! Go just, go!”

“Shit’s going down man.”

“GO, get out!”

“Sure dude.”

He runs in disbelief of what he knows to be true. It can’t be. He has to look back again, he knows! He grabs the arm of a senior…she pulls away but he won’t let her go, whatever he says she looks back at us, she knows.

His hand lingers on her skin, his fingers softly, so softly release, the tips still connect, and pull away aching to touch again, they’re in love, they don’t even know themselves, but this is the moment, now, now that they see each other for the very first time and it all begins now.

Those guys are going to get married, I can see. See how she looks at him, he looks at her in disbelief, this moment links them together, they don’t know it but they will save each other, in their grief they will find each other.

I know that feeling, that sound it rings like a deafening call to a 1–800 number straight to my black heart…that look happened to me and I cannot deny it but I can’t do a single god damn thing about it now.

The invite came from nowhere, but the tension was there for weeks and we had nothing to loose, and yet loose everything. It’s all gone, even before it’s gone, it was all in the plan and yet I had no idea this would be the most…

precious…

moment.

I had no idea it was even a possibility to feel this much after being dead since birth.

My clothes fell and I floated, the shower door closed, we were the only two, the world around us fell into a void, and all the energy of the cosmos ever created was contained just between the two of us.

The water bounced of his skin, the water slid down my cheek and his fingers reached out softly like we had all the time in the world, though the clock was ticking.

I’d hoped and prayed that before I died I’d get to pull him to me, pull him so close his skin would open up to me and mine to him, atoms, space and energy and collided. We did open, we let each other in, there was nothing to loose. It felt like it all should’ve ended there in his arms but it was all about to end in a different way.

‘Clay man, let’s go!’

My eyes open. I’m not there.

The school is there, the bags are there, he is there by my side. He is there by my side.

The wind picks up and the tail of the coat flaps.

I grab the bags. I have no pain. I am calm. We march.

Inside the school the end begins.

Will he reach out to touch me?

No.

It’s time.


Inspired by Elephant by Gus Van Sant (2003)

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