The Paradox of Support: Feeling Alone Amidst an Abundance of Love
As I sit here at midnight on the eve of my wife facing yet another brain surgery in the morning, I sit here alone in our bed, with anxious insomnia.
In all of the scenarios I could conjure up in my mind, there are few experiences as isolating as supporting a spouse battling a critical illness at a young age. It is a path few in our age group will ever travel, one where love and support from family and friends often blend with an overwhelming sense of isolation…
At first glance, it may seem totally paradoxical: To feel completely surrounded by love, yet feel utterly alone. To never want any of your friends to go through what I or my wife are going through, but to simultaneously yearn for empathetic community — to commiserate with people in my age bracket dealing with the same challenges.
This feeling is a complicated one… I’m so incredibly grateful for all of the kindness, sympathy, and support from those around us, yet it can sometimes serve as a stark reminder of the gap between my problems and theirs, creating feelings of guilt in not wanting to overburden anyone with problems that they cannot fathom experiencing in their mid-30’s.
Mid-30’s… While many of my friends are navigating the peaks and valleys of career development, getting married, starting families, and just living life, I find myself traversing uncharted territory, grappling with the immense weight of navigating my family, helping my 33-year-old wife through the throes of a brain cancer diagnosis. It is a heavy, heavy weight to carry and one that few can fully understand unless they, too, have walked this same path. All of the support, prayers, and assurances, while much appreciated, still kind of fall short of truly bridging the gap between our reality and theirs.
I’ve felt this palpable longing for community and peer guidance on this journey, for the solace of shared experience and the wisdom gleaned from fellow 30-something-year-old fathers navigating similar the challenge of trying to balance a career, providing love, physical and emotional care, and support to their spouse, while raising children and all of the emotional challenges involved in helping them through this experience. Yet, as I look around through support groups, social media, blogs, books, podcasts, and other resources for this, I keep coming up relatively empty. There are few guideposts to illuminate the path forward, few shoulders to lean on when the burden becomes too heavy for me to bear alone. There are so many questions without knowing anyone who is uniquely qualified to answer them from experience.
I find myself torn between the warmth and gratitude of being surrounded by love and the isolation of going through this terrifying experience with all of the feelings and fears that are entirely unique to it, often oscillating between immense appreciation for the outpouring of support and the deep ache of missing out on this feeling of true understanding that I’ve been seeking. Every single phone call, text message, social media message, or comment serves as a much-need lifeline in the moment, helping pull me out of the darkness; yet, beneath the surface, there lingers a profound sense of disconnect that has opened a chasm that seems to widen with each passing day.
Maybe I should create this community that I’ve been seeking..? I’ve entertained the notion of doing so on several occasions — a safe haven for young male caregivers with children. A place where our shared trials can pave the way for some semblance of healing and understanding. I know I am not the only person going through this, I know that my tribe is out there somewhere, maybe we just haven’t found eachother yet.
Maybe this is my true calling BUT, the reality of my circumstances looms large, casting a vast shadow and bringing with it a relentless tide of responsibilities and exhaustion that threaten to consume me daily. I don’t have it in me right now to dedicate the time to building what I so desperately need.
Perhaps one day…
