A Letter to Me: Ò ń kọ yátì

Alternative title: Maybe Later. (Life is about choices and I'm pro-choice).

Using sketchy-ass low-quality screenshots of my or other people's post is what makes me me. Also, it's kind of related. Win-win.

Hey,

Do you remember when the whole universe scared you? When you thought the world would end years ago, so you wouldn’t have to grow up? Are you at the part where you are scared of growing up because you have this fear that you’d never amount to anything?

Or are you almost here?

I wish I could tell you that the devil whispering on your shoulder falls off at eighteen. Surprise! It does not. But things do get better and not by mistake but because you make them better. Because you decide that what you deserve is not what you have. So, you will go all out, fighting through blood and sweat to get what you want.

Sometimes the devil falls off but it climbs back on. One day, you will find out that it’s not just one devil and that they have names. You will realize that the one that laid beside you at night is called anxiety. That is the one that makes your heart beat fast, your throat clog up, and your stomach clench up in.. something. You may call it fear because that is the only thing in your vocabulary. As you grow older, you will know its name.

There’s one that grabs your hand once you find the courage to hold a pen, the one that forces that pen out of your hand and compels you to close the page. One day, you will call it imposter’s syndrome but for now, you only believe that you are not good enough. You will soon realize that you are and one day, you will say to yourself “I can do anything”, half believing it, half-convincing yourself, but you will say it. And you will write.

In unrelated news.

Because I’m here now, we are here now, I can tell you this. Sing your lungs out, belt out your favorite songs. One day, someone will ask you what you would do if you lost your voice and you would stammer because you can’t say, “I’d simply die”.

You will realize that you never sang in front of a crowd, that you never made music and you will start to sing every second of everyday. You will belt out pop songs while you sweep, you will listen to Asa while you write. Even when you can’t sing to anyone, you will sing to yourself, because all you really need is music. You will discover your favorite songs, they will give you goosebumps, and you will realise that it is your raison d’etre. So, sing.

When people ask you whether you are a feminist, you will smile and say, “Depends on your definition”. Today, you will realize that you are not responsible for people’s misunderstandings and you will call yourself a feminist. And you will be proud of it.

You will do things you will regret, you will lose memories you want to keep. You will make friends; you will keep some, you will lose some. But at every second in time till now, you will have friends. Sometimes, you will forget this fact, but you will have friends.

Sometimes, you will hate yourself but one day, you will decide to love yourself, and you will. You will laugh and cry. You will lose your mind but you will get it back, at least part of it. Your heart will break and it may not be whole again but what’s left will remain golden. You will be sad but you will also be happy. Some days, you will want to give up. But you won’t.

Maybe later.

Laugh. Bye.