#WhyIMarch by Lord Voldemort
Why I March by Tom Marvolo Riddle
I march because there’s simply no more room in the world for another man as evil as me. Besides, I recently got into yoga and am on a pumpkin juice cleanse. I also enjoy meditating twice daily.
I just feel like I’ve had a change of heart. I’m a new You-Know-Who! Sure, I accidentally killed my yoga teacher last week, but it’s a process. Nobody’s perfect. At least I am willing to admit I’m an ego-maniac with a sirius racist streak.
I’m still quite perturbed that the Republican party did not choose me as their nominee. I thought by rapping to you all, that the American public would at least *consider* my beautiful horcrux and I as a presidential/VP team.
Nagini has much to offer in the fight for gender equality because she is a strong independent snake who needs no wizard. Siriusly, I need her more than she needs me considering part of my soul resides in her body. My dear Nagini has been critical in my journey into identifying as a feminist!
Also, she is a huge fan of Joe Biden. (I do believe she has a little bit of a crush. But please keep this on the down-low, as she would quite literally strangle me if she knew I told you thissssss.)
It’s just such a disappointment as I think we really could have made some progress for animal rights!!
Alas, earwax, you ignored my presidential hopes and dreams. But hey, it’s your loss, America.
Considering I have so much experience in the areas in which the GOP thrives — controlling women’s bodies — IMPERIO, amirite? — I simply can’t understand why I was not selected! (I think your Electoral College process is a bit nutty tbh.) And don’t you remember that I helped set up the Muggle-Born Registry in the wizarding world? I mean, come ON.
Given all my experience in making the world a much worse place, I’m just surprised I was not the chosen one.
But perhaps I am just not as evil as I thought I was. I did have a thought during my meditation this morning that if even the most evil of wizards can find a bit of peace within, perhaps there is hope for Mr. Trump.
And so, Mr. Trump and Mr. Pence, if you’d ever like to grab a pumpkin juice, I would be delighted! I could even give you some tips on manipulating the press! That is one of my greatest strengths. :)
But most importantly, I’d really like to teach you how to not be super evil.
PS I sang this as I was processing my grief. I was inspired by the goddess witch that is Kate McKinnon during her noble SNL tribute to HRC. #NastyWoman #NastyWitch