November 24, Monday
Bolstered by my new found attitude, when he texted me Sunday night and asked if I’d like to ‘hang out’ the next day, I said yes. So at noon on Monday, I bought us a bunch of burgers and fries from Five Guys and headed over. We snuggled up on the couch and watched “A Million Ways to Die in the West” and part of “St Vincent” before I had to leave to go to work at the shop. There was much kissing.
I had a great time. Fun movie/s good cuddling, just the right amount of making out and no sex, which we both agreed was a win.
He is off all week, and he’s made no plans to be with me over the Thanksgiving holiday, so my assumption is that today is all I’ve got with him. So I leave his house, glowing. and text him to suggest that if he really wants to come to Lagniappe tonight, he could get a ride and I could take him home. That way, we could finish the movie we started.
His response: I don’t think so tonight…I feel pretty conflicted on planning overnight sexy time.
Me: I won’t stay past midnight and I’ll keep all my clothes on.
Him: Well, I know me and I’d most likely try and make THAT not happen.
Me: What if I promise? I can be trusted. Gimme a chance.
Him: I don’t trust me.
Me: You think I can’t say no?
Him: No. I mean no I don’t think that.
Him: So yes, I know you can say no.
Me: I’m sorry.
That “I’m sorry” took me 30 minutes to write, because I started and deleted so many other things. I figured that about covered it.
- I’m sorry I had sex with him that first night because that made it easy to keep on that path.
- I’m sorry that I gave in to him last Friday when I knew, dammit I knew, that it was a mistake.
- I’m sorry I’m causing him guilt.
- I’m sorry that he thinks I can’t be trusted with him, although to be fair, why would he think anything else?
- I’m sorry that he thinks the only reason I wanted to come over was for sex.
- I’m sorry that I’m begging him. It won’t happen again.
BUT THEN I SAW THAT SIGN.
“Never apologize when you aren’t sorry”
I’m not sorry that I’ve enjoyed spending time with him.
I’m not sorry that I opened my heart a little bit, EVEN IF I GET HURT.
I’m not sorry that I trusted him and I’m not sorry I had sex with him.
I’m really only sorry that he can’t man the fuck up.
This thing is beginning to feel pretty damn one-sided. I come when he calls (exclusively when drunk, apparently) but he says no when I call. That seems totally fucking unfair. Well, here’s the deal. Outside of a committed relationship, I will never have sex with him again, you can bet your sweet patootie. And since he is anti-commitment, there ya go. Apparently, we both have trouble keeping this casual — me emotionally, him physically.
He hurt me tonight. He must think I’m a complete slut, which isn’t surprising since I let him treat me like a booty call.
He underestimated me. And I overestimated him.