Healthy or horrible?

Wednesday, Aug 5, 2015
California

Today was a great day. I slept well, got up, went to work. Had a good day at work. Had fun, helped people, chatted with colleagues. I didn’t think about Brad or about Marc. I was just living in the moment. At last.

When I was with Brad, I did think about him a lot. Much of my energy was spent working it — avoiding this, doing that, waiting for this, arranging that — all around him. I don’t think I realized it until it was gone. And I didn’t really miss him either. Maybe it’s because I don’t see him everywhere here.

When Marc and I broke up — 3+ years ago. he was terrible to get over even though he wasn’t everywhere I looked. I didn’t sleep — that’s when I got hooked on podcasts, so I wouldn’t be thinking of him at night and could sleep. Now, other than the first few days after the breakup, I sleep fine. And today at lunch I suddenly realized I didn’t miss him. Then I wondered if it was because of Marc, but I don’t think so. I haven’t though much about him at all either.

So, oh my god, I’m healthy. Or fickle and I was wrong about how much I loved Brad. Can you get over someone that you loved that much in just 3 weeks? It seems like you shouldn’t be able to — but maybe that’s just Hollywood, though. Maybe I am that unemotional. I mean, there’s nothing more I can do there, so I’m turning my energy toward other things. Or maybe I just had a good day.

Am I healthy or horrible?

Either way, it feels good to be happy without a man behind it.

Yeah, Marc is coming with me tomorrow to the dinner for work, but it doesn’t make my heart race like it once did. I’m absolutely looking forward to it. Very much. But I’m not crazy nutso about him or it. It will be great, but it’s just like if Adeana was coming. :) I look forward to it because I know we’ll have fun together and I’d be lying if I pretended it’s nice to be part of a couple for something like this rather than going alone. And also, he’s nice to kiss. Kissing is a fun thing to do — but I’m not all focused in on it. LOL. If I didn’t realize how hypocritical it was, I’d say there’s no spark there anymore.

Maybe the spark is about new and uncertain. We are old and comfortable. We’ve been there, done that.

Just the way I like it.

It was a very good day.