Honesty

November 25, Tuesday after Lagniappe

I am just churning. Am I really so fickle? One day I make a decision to love him, even though it’s hard and on the very next day, I decide it’s too hard. Maybe he’s better off without me. Apparently he knows that, right? The small, snarky, self-loathing voice in my head is pushing everything else out today.

And who am I to judge him? He’s acting completely schizophrenic — he wants me, he doesn’t want me, he wants me, he doesn’t…but then SO AM I. Why do I think I’m any better than him? We are all just struggling to do the best we can, right? He told me that he didn’t want a relationship and I said I was alright with that. I need to either be alright with it or shut the hell up. How unfair is it to expect so much from him that he already said he wouldn’t be giving me? Maybe I’m the one that needs to man the fuck up.

<sigh>

Humbling to realize that I’m such a fool. I’m sitting in my car after my shift at Sanders, crying and “Honesty” by Billy Joel comes up in my rotation. I’ve known this song forever but never heard it like I did tonight. Lyrics:

If you search for tenderness, it isn’t hard to find
You can have the love you need to live
But if you look for truthfulness, you might just as well be blind
It always seems to be so hard to give

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you

I can always find someone to say they sympathize
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve
But I don’t want some pretty face to tell me pretty lies
All I want is someone to believe

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you

I can find a lover
I can find a friend
I can have security
Until the bitter end
Anyone can comfort me
With promises again
I know, I know

When I’m deep inside of me don’t be too concerned
I won’t ask for nothin’ while I’m gone
But when I want sincerity tell me where else can I turn
Cause you’re the one that I depend upon

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you

That’s when it hit me. He can’t be honest with me because he hasn’t been honest with himself. He’s sending me mixed signals because he has no idea what’s in his heart or head. Poor baby. I am flooded with compassion now because I know the truth:

He can’t be honest with me until he’s honest with himself.

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