I’m not talking about moving in…

November 21, Friday

Over the last week, I’ve gotten the message loud and clear. He wants to keep this very casual. I sense his discomfort when I suggest we do something together — that makes me sad. I wish he could just take that for face value, but it seems no, so I’ll stop.

Let me be completely clear: he isn’t the one for me. I don’t believe there is “a one”. I wish he trusted me when I tell him that he isn’t. But that doesn’t mean I don’t like to spend time with him.

See, he woke this thing up in me — that I really like being with someone. I’d forgotten how much and now I don’t want it to go away. So I am actively pursue dating in a way that I haven’t since college. I am saying yes to invitations that I might not have before, because why the hell not? One of them might turn out to be a wonderful thing.

I am starting with C, who I’ve always vaguely wondered about. We have a ton in common and have a good time together. I’m going to church with him on Sunday and we’ll see what happens.

I’m going to reach out to various friends who might be able/willing so set me up with people. Dammit, why not? They know me, maybe they know whom I might like, right?

And I’ll start responding to possibles online. He convinced me to sign up at okcupid years ago, but I’ve never really paid any attention to it. Maybe I will.

The fact is that he’s still my favorite person to be around right now. When we are together, he makes me feel so loved. What I’m learning is this:

  1. He makes everyone he is with feel loved. It’s just a skill he have. Which is cool, but I must remember that I’m not special, which is hard for me, cuz you know, I’m special ☺.
  2. I do want to be loved. I want someone who is crazy about me. Not just someone who only thinks of me when he’s drunk/lonely/has nothing better to do. And I’m going after it. At the moment, I wish it were him, cuz that’d be easy, but it’s not him. So ok.
  3. I want to continue to see him on his terms whenever possible because dammit, I like it and it makes me feel good. It winds me up a little because I feel like I want it more than he does, but so be it. He’s a grown up so I’ll trust him to be honest with me. I won’t pressure or chase him, but at the moment I’m pretty much his for the asking. I’m sure it’ll change :D
  4. I realize this is mildly dangerous because as long as we play this, there will always be a voice inside of me that wants to believe there could be an ‘us’ someday. I also completely recognize that this voice is ridiculous. At some point, this will run its course. He’ll find someone he is crazy about or I’ll find someone who is crazy about me and this will end. But until then, I’d rather be out there, with him, taking chances, than not. Mostly cuz it’s FUN and I need more fun in my life.


I’m not talking about moving in
and I don’t want to change your life
but there’s a warm wind blowing and the stars are out
and I’d really love to see you tonight.