I’m sorry

December 2, Tuesday

So far this week, I’ve kinda avoided him. I’m not sure how I want to feel. I mean, I know how I do feel. I feel sad, hurt, lonely and a tiny bit hopeful because the optimist in me just won’t believe that this is him.

I tell myself that I don’t know how I want to act with him because I need to figure out what I want…

But that’s bullshit.

From the very beginning of this, I promised myself that I would be honest. And I miss him. Even if he doesn’t behave the way I want him to. Even if he hurts me.

So today, when he installed my new memory, instead of just dropping my computer off, I stayed and sat down in his office.

Quietly I asked, “Are you ok? Something really seems wrong. I’m asking as your friend. Is there anything I can do? What’s going on?

With his back to me while he worked on my computer, he shared that he had a rough couple of weeks. That he’d finally stepped on a scale and realized how much weight he had gained in 3 months. That he was done with that, “only lean meat and salad” from now on. That he had to be more disciplined in his life. About more than just food. Just…everything. I just listened.

Eventually, I said, “I’m so sorry you are feeling all this. I hope that I haven’t contributed to your stress.” and he finally turned and looked at me. Very deliberately. “No. Not at all. You are the bright spot in it all.”
Me: I’m glad
You: I’m sorry I’ve been a shit to you.
Me: Yeah, you have. You hurt me.
You: I hate that
Me: Probably not why you think. But I don’t hold grudges. You sort yourself out. I’ll be here.

Silence as you just looked at me

You: I don’t deserve you.
Me: Yeah you do. I hope you can come to grips with that. I won’t wait forever.

I turned to leave and in the corner of my eye, I saw you reach for me just missing my arm as I turned.

I didn’t look back.