Sigh

Aug 11, 2016

You hurt me tonight. Not by meanness or anger, but just by not being what I want you to be and I don’t know what to do with that.

We’ve had a great time. Almost a year ago we got back together and we’ve been pretty damn solid. I’m feeling secure and comfortable and happier than I’ve ever been. You are doing things I want, meeting my people. Loving me the way I want to be loved — better even sometimes.

But then we have a conversation like the one tonight that remind me that for you everything is temporary based on how easy it makes your life. That’s why you won’t “commit”. I use quotes because we are buying a house together and are planning to move in together, but that’s not a commitment to you. You still don’t consider me your girlfriend. Which, frankly, is just bullshit. The one promise you’ve ever made to me is that you would never cheat on me. How’s that not a commitment? Why is this such a sore spot for me? It’s _literally_ the one thing you won’t give me that I want. And I don’t need it to be marriage. I just need you to acknowledge that I’m your girlfriend — that this relationship we are in is the primary one in your life. Not just one of the important relationships, but THE relationship that wins when there are conflicts. That you choose me.

I’m sorry that you’ve seen so many shitty relationships and that you are omnisciently able to trace all that unhappiness to a commitment. But it hurts me deeply to know that if I suddenly became — I dunno — less fun? that you’d ditch me. That I really can’t and so shouldn’t, count on you. It’s so hard for me to get there in my head because that’s just not what love is. It’s just not. You say you love me, but I just don’t think you do. I think you enjoy me. Love involves sacrifice and I’m pretty sure you’d never do that, not in any way that’s significantly inconvenient for you. And that’s not love.

And that hurts me.

And I don’t know what to do with it.