Wait no, WHAT?
November 15, Saturday, later.
I just reveled in the joy that he had missed me. I had missed him terribly but assumed that he hadn’t even thought of me. It wouldn’t be the first, or the last time that I underestimated him.
But he did miss me.
I could not stop smiling. In that moment, it was everything I wanted. I daydreamed about him stopping at my house on his way back into town just because he wanted to kiss me. On Sunday afternoon, I shot him a quick text message saying that I had missed him too and when was he coming home?
His answer stunned me and brought me right back down to earth. He’d been home all weekend. He had decided not to go hunting because there were way too many people going and the introvert in him just could not take it. He had decided that he would stay home and help move all the presses and everything to the new shop with his partner. All of which are completely legit reasons to stay home.
But he didn’t tell me.
I’m not sure why I was so very crushed. It’s not like we were in a relationship. There was absolutely no reason that he would need to tell me his plans or check in with me. “Unless I was important to him,” the little voice in my head said. I had allowed myself to get completely carried away and I was disgusted with myself. I had desperately missed him when there was absolutely no reason to. He was here the whole time and I felt betrayed. Which I knew was stupid, but still I felt it. Feelings are stupid.
It just knocked all the wind out of my sails. Oh yeah, he doesn’t love you. He doesn’t want you to love him. Right. For a minute, I forgot.
I was able to keep the conversation positive and light. I told him that I was off that day, but he totally blew that off. Why the fuck does he say he misses me, but then doesn’t take the opportunity to see me? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.