well that sucked

We went out to Steve B’s tonight. A friend of Brad’s (and apparently mine now because I knew all but one person and was greeted warmly all around) has a kind of open party in his back yard every Thursday night. People come and go, they hang out, they bring food to throw on the grill, there’s music — it’s very casual and laid back, and well, pretty freaking awesome, actually.

We’ve talked about going occasionally but never have, but tonight the weather was awesome and so we did. Matt & Audra (from Cinco de Mayo) were there, Steve and a couple of others (from when we went to the driving range) were there…and everyone else I had met at the Halloween party so it was good. ☺

And then Whitney got there.

And she’s just…effervescent. She’s thin and beautiful and wearing the perfect little summer dress and she’s funny and she’s…she’s that person that’s always the life of the party. You partially want to hate her, but you also partially want her to like you. It’s like that song…”and everything around her is a silver pool of light…”

I used to be that girl. But now, I’m not. I sit in the circle, drink my beer, and watch her try to break wood for the fire with a sledge hammer. It’s like watching a kitten drink from a water fountain — it’s stupid and totally cute all at once and you can’t look away.

And neither can Brad.

I spent 2 and a half hours watching him watch her. I don’t blame him, everyone was watching her. She’s that girl.

But it hurt. This is the girl he told me 6 months ago that he was in love with. This is the girl about whom he said “if I don’t marry her, I’ll marry no one.”

This is the girl he was talking about 4 months ago when he said “I don’t want to love her, but I can’t help it. I don’t want to be around her. I don’t want to talk to her. She’s a terrible influence on me. Really negative. She treats me horribly. But Idon’t know how to not feel this way.”

We haven’t spoken of her since, but I watched him watch her tonight and I ached.

He walked me to my car as we were leaving because we came seperately. After I had already started mine and begun to pull out, I saw her come around the corner and head to his car. I pulled out and left them talking in the driveway.

And it’s not that I don’t completely trust him. I know he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with her. He’s happy with me. I know that, I know that, I know that.

But I sure do wish he watched me like that.