How my self-awareness cost me my job

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I quit my job, my desirable job. My resignation came as a shock to my boss. I was one of her most stable, efficient employee. But she was novel about it. She was kind enough to give me her blessing and prayed me for being a brave woman. She looked at me with sparkling eyes and told me how much she admires my courage. But I saw through her — she meant to say I am crazy to leave such a high power job.

It took me two years to gird the courage to go throw with it, to quit. You have to understand — from my objective perspective I was on the top of the world — Working in the media at my dream job. I felt blessed. In a way I felt like a con artist. I was deceiving the system. I enjoyed my work so much that there was times I thought I should pay my bosses for hiring me.

But it’s not just the things I did during my day work, or the people I meet, nor is it the stories I covered that made this job so desirable. There was another factor — the way people perceived me, and at the end of the day — the way I started to perceive myself.

I’ll explain. It might seem ode but when you are in the media people tend to think you are powerful. They believe you know people, interesting people, celebrities’ and Influential people. And that’s true. After all you are just one phone call away from some really important peoples. You even know someone who knows someone who is one phone call away from a metaphorical Kim Kardashian or Hillary Clinton. And all this important people that you supposedly know might even recognize you if they meet you in the street.

Hence you start to contemplate, maybe you should believe them. Maybe they have a point, and you are important, a celebrity by your own rights. You can’t escape this thoughts, but you handle them quietly in a hidden place inside your brain. You hope, you believe no one notice your shallow inner conversations. You try real hard to put an indifferent appearance. You negotiate with yourself and your self-awareness that it’s all bulshit, that you know better- You are not one of those arrogant assholes you hate so much.

And then start the real dilemma, if you are not an asshole, if you are not better than others — job? — Now you are terrified. Are people respecting you just because you possess this power If that’s the case who are you without this position. Will any one talk to you, will people answer your phone calls when you’ll live this office.

At this point you become obsessively aware of the way the people around you behave toward you. Do they really like you or they are just kissing your ass. If you possess a high level of self-awareness, you realizes you become paranoid. But you also know you can’t fight it. You just hope that your self- awareness is not showing. That people thinks that you are laughing out loud because you think the joke is truly hilarious, not because you don’t want them to find out that you’re on to them. That you uncovered their hypocrisy. Now you are caught in this mind game — trying to gird mental strength to quiet this stressful 

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