Last night, I got into a rousing argument on my friend’s FB wall about a poster that a division of the Toronto Police Service had produced for a women’s self-defense class. The poster is incredibly insulting, in a number of places using shaming, victim-blaming language. And one man in particular kept defending the creators of the poster — the police — and trying to tell the women in the thread (at least most of whom have experienced assault) we were wrong about what we were saying.

One thing that kept popping into my head is that this man kept trying to have the last word. He kept trying to end the discussion on his terms when the discussion was about a class for women. I want to have men in the discussion — there were a number of men in it, and most of them were respectful and insightful when possible. But when he attempted, over and over, to be Right and End the Discussion Because He Was Right, it grated even more than his completely misogynist interpretations of the words of women who had real feelings about the poster.

I have a lot of privilege, and I try to acknowledge it when appropriate. For example, even though I’m pretty broke right now, I have no idea what it’s like to be truly poor, and I would never presume to tell someone who is about their experience. So why is it that this guy felt totally fine to tell us how to react to this poster?

I’ll tell you what it’s like to be me, a woman who’s experienced assault, in the context of yesterday alone. I thought I’d walk home from brunch, because I was talking to a friend on the phone and didn’t want to get on the subway. It didn’t occur to me until I was nearly there that this route would take me directly past the door to my emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend’s apartment (he’s never physically assaulted me but I worry about it, because I think he is capable of it). I still walked by but held my phone in my hand and rehearsed in my head what I would do if I saw him. And then in the evening, when I was talking about the same poster mentioned above on Twitter, even though I’ve blocked him, I worried that the same ex’s rage would be triggered (he hated my “version” of feminism) and he would find some way to get to me. In one day, I feared him twice. Not to mention my general vigilance, my reluctance to go to a party at which I might only know the host, and more. Because someone I knew tried to rape me 13 years ago, among other things, it takes a whole lot to earn my not worrying, at least somewhere in the back of my mind, that you’re going to hurt me.

Someone’s telling me that’s the wrong way to look at the world is only going to make that person unsafe in my mind.

It’s not always about maleness, it’s not always about size, it’s not always about strength (though the scary ex is 10 inches taller than I am and could bench-press me). Sometimes what you say is enough to push me away. For example, we went through another example of people believing the powerful over the vulnerable this week with Woody Allen. Why would someone accuse one of the most powerful people in Hollywood of sexual assault when she stands to gain nothing (the statute of limitations has run out)? One speaks out about one’s experiences so others can learn from them. We do not do it to be praised, or to get famous, or for sympathy (because we don’t expect any! we have learned this from how people reacted to others!). We do it to help protect those who come after us. Or that’s what we hope. That’s why I talk about it. You’re not always safe from the people around you. You’re not always in danger, but you’re not always safe, and knowing which is which is not always possible. And when people accuse the vulnerable of lying, and assume that the powerful are telling the truth, that hurts me. The vulnerable rarely lie about this.

So check your privilege. See where your power lies. Unpack your backpack (this piece is about race, but a lot of it can be extrapolated to gender, religion, and more). And the next time you see a population, particularly a vulnerable one, discussing something that affects them deeply, consider sitting back and taking a listen before voicing your opinion. Think about why you feel the way you do. Try to understand their point of view. And then participate, if you wish, because I will welcome your thoughtful words.