What is Real Intimacy To You?

6 min readApr 15, 2020

In a world that tries to dictate to us what it means to have true-love and healthy relationship, many still wonder what is real intimacy? What is your definition of a healthy relationship and real intimacy? In my interpretation of it is one where both members enjoy themselves to be in it. Although the world tries to tell us what a healthy relationship should look like, as I see it, how it looks should be entirely up to the participants. If they are both happy with their own ‘rules’ and they don’t harm other people, they should be able to choose what they want without judgment.

But even so, some general guidelines are worth following. Here are a few of them:

Intimacy requires self-awareness, and knowing the cycles of your emotions!

To begin, it is essential to recognize and understand your emotional reactions so that you can look at situations more rationally by considering your habits and the way you interact. For example, if you know that you tend to be oversensitive at times, it will help you to diffuse what may seem like criticism instead of constructive feedback. Therefore, knowing who you are will help you keep a realistic perspective on things.

Regardless of if you feel like you are on top of a mountain or are sinking to the bottom of the ocean when you are aware of your personal interpretations of what is happening, you are immediately able to gain clarity and see things realistically. In other words, if there are problems in a relationship and (for example) you are feeling victorious because you just got a pay raise, you have the maturity to know that this beautiful feeling does not make everything else ok. Similarly, if you are annoyed with your dog for chewing on your $1000 iPhone, you do not project that anger on to your partner because you are in a bad mood. The point is, harmonious connections involve having the maturity to understand one’s feelings while maintaining firm boundaries in how they affect their interactions.

Deep intimacy comes when you have a desire to understand your partner and help them feel good about themselves

Like everything, there are as many definitions of love as there are people feeling it. What I have observed to be one of the best characteristics of intimate love is when someone has an innate drive to see their partner happy, they sincerely want to understand how they think, feel, and they know exactly what they like or not. That person knows their partner so well; they can predict how they will react to a situation and can anticipate exactly how to best support them. Furthermore, they know just what to say to help them to reconnect with their heart and feel appreciated and cherished by the other person.

Although this may seem obvious to some, it requires being selfless at times and paying close attention to your partner. However, it can be the most magical and powerful element that defines your partnership. Ultimately, it is the purest way to express that you care for who they truly are.

Healthy intimacy requires open communication

Sure, it’s easy to say, but it’s not always so easy to do. In any relationship, there is always some fear of vulnerability and sharing our deepest feelings and thoughts. Let alone if they create some conflict, it’s even more challenging as we try to convey our emotions in a healthy way without hurting the other person. On the other hand, not having open communication means things are avoided, held in, and ultimately create tension or passive-aggressive behaviors.

Stay close by seeing things from your partner’s eyes

Train yourself to be open about what you think and how you feel with your partner! The best way is to look at things from a different approach:

If you feel like you’re being criticized, pause to try and see things from their point of view. In a healthy relationship, two people appreciate and respect each other, and they have a secure connection, right? However, that doesn’t mean there will not be differences or difficulties between the two of you. When disagreements come up, take a moment to empathize with what your partner is feeling. Take ownership of your habits that create conflict and understand the discomfort they cause the other person. Know what parts of you are willing and able to compromise on and not. You probably need to meet each other in the middle. In other words, it’s not about rights or wrongs; it is about making things work between the 2 of you!

Get in touch with your fears so that they don’t run your thoughts

Let’s be honest; everyone has fears. The most common fears are of abandonment, rejection, being hurt, or being humiliated. When these fears lurk in our head, they can make us say and do things that are hurtful to ourselves or our partners. They are at the root of dishonesty, manipulation, and other dysfunctional behaviors. Therefore, knowing what your fears are and learning self love is vital in having a healthy and intimate relationship. It gives you a chance to make conscious decisions based on facts instead of fears.

Being intimate does not make anyone a mind reader

How often do you expect your partner just to know what is going on with you without telling him/her? Life can be hectic, and it’s easy to take some of the most important things, such as our loved ones, for granted. When we get so wrapped up in ourselves and stop communication clearly, we risk a lot of misinterpretation and misunderstanding.

Sometimes we are too afraid to be honest and end up communicating in some wishy-washy way. Other times, we have kept things in for too long, and it becomes hard to express how we feel. Either way, the consequences are not good. In the short term, it might seem more comfortable. However, in the long run, it eats away at the precious bonds that keep you together. The best practice is to be honest and open from the start and never stop, Then, you can only strengthen the intimate connections you have with loved ones.

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Final Thoughts

Undoubtedly, the happiest and healthiest relationships are characterized, at least in part, by a deep sense of intimacy. Whether you decide to marry or stay single; co-habitat or live separately; you alone get to define what it means to love, be happy, and what is a healthy relationship for you! Respect and enjoy each other in the ways that are best for both of you!

About Sophie Fuzi, Holistic Life Coach

You are the creator of your world!

Relationship Coaching

Relationship coaches have experience in various relationship dynamics, from romantic to family relations, friendships, and professional interactions. This type of life-coaching balances the art and science of co-actively working with individuals, couples, partnerships and teams toward mutually defined goals. If you’d like to live your next-level life and meet your relationship goals with a coach, you can try it risk free with up to 3 coaching sessions on us.