Detoxing from Busyness
There’s a sense of almost panic that waves over me as I sit quietly, listening to the birds sing. Shouldn’t I be doing something? Isn’t there a long list of things that I’m supposed to be doing? Am I wasting this time? Oh no, what am I forgetting? The messages from my brain keep coming.
I’ve spent years being very busy. My work consumes me. My home life takes my full attention. My vacations are filled with activities. I have so many projects on my to-do list that I could continue to be busy for 100 years and not finish everything. In this era of technology, I find myself filling even the waiting moments with social media and games. Picking up my daughter from school? 5 minutes to kill, let me pull out my phone. Doctor’s office waiting room? Phone. Waiting for my latte at Starbucks? Phone. Every moment I’m doing something.
I have read about the benefits of taking some time to quiet my brain via meditation. I added that to my list of things to do and was pretty regular about it for a while. It gave me a sense of peace and slowed me down a bit to recognize and be present… but it wore off quickly. You see, I have become addicted to being busy. It’s a drug for me. The only way it felt okay was if I scheduled time for not being busy.
Something isn’t right here. Did I evolve simply to be busy?
A few weeks ago, I started off on my sabbatical from work. I’m taking 6 months away from working in an attempt to become fully present in my personal life, to spend critical time with family, and to reset my inspiration and energy. Since that day, I’ve had many things to keep me busy — family visiting, an epic storm with a multi-day power-outage to deal with, walking the dog, selling Girl Scout Cookies with my daughter at booths outside our local stores, and actually still being involved in a bit of work after all. I’ve only had a day or two of completely NOTHING that I needed to be doing for a few hours.
That’s when the messages come raging through my head.
Having the luxury of time, I decided each time this happens to spend some time reflecting and journaling. Why am I feeling this way? What makes me think that it’s not okay? Is that important? I also turn myself to bigger questions that are related — what is a good use of time? What is work? What is it for? Why is it important to me? What is family? What is it for? Why is it important to me?
I’ve always been pretty self-reflective, but what I’ve seen recently is that I’d kind of traded that time for self-reflecting in for time doing… anything. Being busy. The repercussion of which is a feeling of anxiety with stillness, and being slightly off in terms of feeling connected to myself and my life.
Part I of this sabbatical, then, is to detox from busyness. I can’t avoid it entirely, of course — just too much to do! However, for a couple of hours a day, I’m going to TRY to … do nothing in particular.
Wow, this is uncomfortable.
