Love Island 2020: Maximum Love
In 2020, Love Island takes place in a maximum-security villa in Mallorca.
There are 69 cameras in every room.
The purpose of Love Island is still the same; to win £50,000 — sorry I mean to find love.
In 2020, £50,000 is roughly enough money for a meal out for 2 at a mid-range restaurant like Wagamama.
In week 1 of Love Island 2020, A rift between Blondes and Brunettes becomes clear. This rift is just between female participants obviously, as it is traditionally only women who are referred to as just an adjective.
The Blondes and Brunettes band off into 2 opposing factions, breaking into sporadic violence.
Of the guys, all bar one say they prefer Brunettes. Ashamed, the Blondes sleep in the rubble of the yard.
The final guy says “hair colour doesn’t matter to him”. Everybody gasps. When, in the next sentence he adamantly states that he is a ‘breast man’ everybody sighs with relief.
During week 3 of Love Island 2020 all of the women fall in love with one of the guys, Guy.
They sunbathe in front of him displaying their most expensive and successful cosmetic surgeries.
The Blondes do this even though they know that the guy, Guy, only fancies women with hair at level 6 — light brown — or lower, which is darker, obviously.
During the sunbathing, one of the Brunette’s hair is bleached a shade lighter by the sun. The Brunettes immediately drag her across the hot rubble and bind her to one of the Blondes with rope. The rift deepens.
Each girl in turn asks the guy, Guy, if they’re his type ‘on paper,’ even though the blondes know they’re not.
Some of them say that he is their type ‘on paper,’ and go on to flatter his physical attributes, including his eyes, mistakenly believing that this gives them depth.
After the others go to bed, his ego now more swollen than a pregnant woman with water retention, the guy, Guy, stands by the pool in the yard and spontaneously ejaculates for 7 hours.
He is rewarded with a date outside the maximum-security villa. He takes no one.
In week 4 of Love Island 2020, one of the guys, not Guy — Ben — has decided he likes one of the girls, Becca. Ben must, in the great tradition of Love Island ‘put it on’ Becca in order that she becomes aware of his feeling.
Ben says to every contestant of Love Island 2020 “I’m going to put it on her,” except Becca.
Ben and Becca find themselves having great banter in a cell previously used for solitary confinement. Mid-sentence, Ben undoes his flies quick-as-a-flash, unfurls his long, soft penis and places it gently on Becca’s leg. Now he’s ‘put it on her,’ Becca knows he likes her and can accordingly make a play for the guy she thinks ranks slightly above him in status.
New contestants of both genders have been added every week*.
*Love Island TM only recognises two genders and one sexuality. Love Island TM will recognise sexual activity between females if performed for the male gaze.
During week 6 on Love Island 2020, 2 orang-utans dressed in wigs, lipstick, and boobs for queens, from boobsforqueens.com (essentially a bib with two massive tits on, used by drag queens everywhere) are put into the maximum-security villa.
Two of the guys immediately couple up with the orang-utans, who as it turns out, give excellent hand jobs. Both the guys describe the orang-utans as “exactly my type”. Both of the orang-utans are wearing brunette wigs.
The one remaining Blonde tears out all of her hair in the middle of the night. Her head hair, obviously, all of her body hair was lasered off as a 12th birthday present.
On the final day of Love Island 2020, only two couples remain. Both couples say they are in love.
The contestants receive a text rating their individual popularity with viewers.
The highest rated girl, Destiny, puts on her ‘pulling earrings,’ big hoops with huge nets in them. She tells the highest rated guy, Guy, that he’s her type ‘on paper’. She tells him that she regrets spending the entire season with someone else, the man only moments ago she claimed to be in love with. She remains loyal, though, she just fancies Guy ‘on paper’.
A huge reel of paper is delivered to the maximum-security villa.
Guy lays paper down on every floor and surface.
Guy and Destiny fuck ‘on paper’.
They win the show and enjoy their meal in Wagamama.
