Wes’ Do’s and Do Not’s for College Freshman 2016 Extravaganza

I never read these kind of dumb articles when I was in college so I’m going off of one recently written by the University of Illinois’ school paper. It’s pretty basic, but to be expected from a school that is the Los Angeles/St. Louis Rams of the Big Ten, so I thought I’d add some of my own thoughts.

  • Do party. Sometimes you’ll vomit, sometimes you’ll lose the deciding beer pong point, sometimes you’ll be a drunken asshole to your friends or significant other. These are most likely the worst possible outcomes of partying and the good news is they can all be easily fixed. Unless you drink and drive, in which case: fuck you.
  • Do make friends who aren’t into partying. When your body starts breaking down because you’ve consumed nothing but pizza and Milwaukee’s Best for a week straight, you’ll probably want to watch a movie or study with them.
  • Do not date the first person who pays attention to you. Trust me. Don’t question me, just trust me.
  • Do have sex with this person if the desire is mutual. Just don’t date them. Again, trust me.
  • Do go for a walk around the town or neighborhood your school is located in. There is a world outside of campus and you’ll be sick of the student union or the lame activities organized in your dorm by October.
  • Do not buy into the “keep your dorm room door open/don’t lock yourself away in your room” trope that the aforementioned article and many others recommend. After the first week of hearing “Panda” (or whatever song is the current college bro/chick’s anthem) being blared out of every other room on your floor at all hours, you’ll want the solitude. You’ll TREASURE the solitude.
  • Do not worry about the “freshman 15.” You’re going to eat a lot of shitty food. Your university’s dining halls are not 4-star bistros, they’re glorified cafeterias. If your friends/family or anyone judges you for gaining a small amount of weight after an important transitional period in your life, tell them to go fuck themselves. However, if gaining weight is absolutely, positively unacceptable to you, there’s probably a gym/rec center on campus at your disposal. I don’t know, I’m getting tired of writing this now.
  • Don’t go Greek. I’m not going to sit here and claim that fraternities and/or sororities are the scourge of college campuses or that their members are rapists or racists or just genuinely bad people; there’s enough of that on the internet for you to decide. But uhh….do you really want to risk it though?
  • Do smoke blueberry hash if you’re offered some. I’ll never get that opportunity back and I regret it every day.

Okay, now I’m done. Good luck this semester, kiddos.