Why Leading with Empathy Is So Important
Given the upheaval in how we work in recent years, it is more important than ever that we practice empathy in how we collaborate. Leadership has the greatest responsibility in this practice because we are responsible for decisions that happen throughout the duration of a project. Decisions that impact how teams work together that ultimately lead to the success (or failure) of a project.
So what does it mean to lead with empathy? One way to describe this is to pose a few questions. Years ago, a dear friend told me that in order to have a sustaining, functional, and successful relationship with people we manage or work with, you (and people you manage/work with) must be able to answer ‘yes’ to three primary questions:
- Do you care about me?
- Can I trust you?
- Would you help me?
Years later, I still find myself carefully considering this notion and realize that it can be applied to any relationship. With our coworkers, employees, and personal relationships. If you cannot answer yes to all of these, the relationship is fraught. Let’s look at each question to understand how and why this is so important for leadership.
Do you care about me?
I’ve known people who care deeply about everyone on the planet and I’ve met people who’ve made it clear they really don’t give a second thought to anyone but themselves. When you are working with someone, if they become ill, have a rough day, talk about something they care about, do you find yourself genuinly interested in what they have to say or do you just want to move on to a more interesting topic or the work at hand?
What I’ve learned in running a studio for 17+ years is that if you don’t take the time to listen to people you work with, you will not build a productive working relationship with them. People who are good at listening are often listened to in return. Take time to hear people when they speak. Even if you have no interest in playing pinball, listen genuinely and learn when your coworker explains their pinball tournament they got 25th place at over the weekend. And make sure this goes both ways and that you also take the time and effort to speak about your own interests. If you show you are listening and you feel you are also being listened to, this can go a long way in the middle of a project. It helps establish a clear line of communication, which is critical in challenging situations.
Anytime I speak with clients or start my day with coworkers, I always take a moment to talk about something besides work. I can be the weather, or it can be about a recent trip or asking how someone’s weekend was. Having this kind of dialogue upfront helps us speak more freely when we move to work-related topics. Speaking more freely builds trust, which is related to our next question.
Can I trust you?
If you can’t trust someone, collaboration becomes a challenge because you are guarded and unsure of whether or not you can trust what they say. Building trust can take time. Typically, when a relationship begins, I consciously start with a fair amount of trust. If there were a scale between 0 and 100, where zero is no trust and 100 is someone I fully trust, I typically start with a solid 50 and go from there. If I sense important information is being withheld or someone is inconsistent with what they say (i.e. goals of a project keep changing without a clear reason) that number goes down. Otherwise, it typically edges upward as we work together.
Transparency is a crucial factor in building trust. This doesn’t mean full disclosure. You don’t need to tell everyone everything and TMI is no way to build lasting trust. Instead, be honest in what you do say and keep consistent. If goals change on a project, it is your responsibility to manage those changes by explaining the reasons, while also giving room to listen to coworkers concerns (to answer ‘yes’ to the ‘Do you care about me?’, giving space to talk and listening are key).
If you feel that, because you are the authority, you can simply change goals and that your team must follow regardless, you will not be trusted and people will not feel comfortable working with you. I’ve witnessed this first hand and the amount of animosity shared by fellow team members against management and leadership was shocking. This is a huge reason why many startups fail. The pressure you have from your investors or superiors is your responsibility to manage and not the reason for you to be an asshole to your team.
One practice I’ve found that has helped me is to explain to team members that I want to listen to everyone’s thoughts or concerns when faced with a pivot or scope change during a project, but I explain that the responsibility ultimately rests on my shoulders. As long as people feel heard, even when they don’t agree with your direction, trust will often maintain itself. You don’t have to please everyone all the time, but it is your responsibility to listen to your coworkers, team, partner, friend, etc. And along with listening, it is important that you are able to voice your take on the situation as well. This goes both ways. If you you find yourself clamming up or withholding your thoughts, it’s because you don’t trust the person you are speaking with.
Would you help me?
Let’s say you’ve had a rough day. You couldn’t sleep the night before or you woke up just feeling off, or something much worse. Do you feel that you would be able to communicate that you’re not at your best and your manager or team would be understanding? Do you feel that you are expected to come to work performing 100% every day without exception?
At Pitch, we make a habit to ask each other how we are doing and honestly (read above about transparency) answering rather than just saying “Good, good” twice as if the second time you say this somehow is needed to verify the first time. We even have a reserved word for when we are feeling off but don’t want to discuss it: ‘albatros’. Just a word needed without any further explanation just to cut you a little slack that day. And I’ve found, time and time again, that giving slack pays off. The following day or week, people are giving a little more or they can help make clearer decisions. Even better, I feel that people have my my back and I don’t have to feel somehow ashamed or bad about having shitty days myself. We are all human and shitty days happen. If you don’t care about someone, you cannot sincerely cut them slack (and that likely will carry resentment instead because you feel they are ‘slipping’). The relationship will not sustain and your work is at a greater risk of failure.
However, this does not mean to use our coworkers as a crutch. It is our responsibility to take care of our own happiness. We decide how we want to look at the world. Some days, this is harder to do. But if this has to do with something we can manage ourselves, like eating a balanced diet and taking care of our bodies and mind, then it is our responsibility to pull ourselves out of that. We are responsible for our own habits. When I’m having a rough day, I find it helpful to mention this to coworkers and show that I’m dealing with it by taking extra time at the gym or going for a walk.
Leading with empathy is not complicated and it does not require any special talent. If you struggle to notice and relate to other people’s feelings or situations, there is plenty of research to show that empathy is a skill that can be learned and developed over time. A good place to start is to realize that empathic leadership leads to more efficient work environment, less turnover, minimized resentment and work-related stress, and ultimately to the best outcome of a project.
Note: No AI was used in writing this article or creating the cover image. Despite how useful generative AI can be, I still cling to the belief that there is value in genuinely sharing thoughts and ideas we care deeply about, blemishes and all.
