RED
I want to kill myself.
I am pressing the knife against my throat with just enough force that I can feel the ice-cold steel, yet not with the force that would finish it all.
That is not yet.
I want to just die.
I want to end it all.
I feel nothing save pain.
My life has been nothing but a roller coaster of disappointments.
I live in a circus of chaos.
I have become a magician of life and I have accomplished the greatest magic trick of all time…
I have walked among so many of you yet none even know I am even here.
I am invisible to you all.
I am alone in a world of billions.
I am the boy without a home.
I am the boy without a father.
I am the boy with a mother that is not my mommy.
I am the weird one.
I am the one you tease for things you all do each day, yet somehow I am the one deserving of your non- loving praise.
I have had enough.
I will never be enough; I am ready to die.
I am worthy of death as I have failed at this art you all call ‘living.’
A drop of blood falls to the floor.
Then another and another.
The RED is all I can see.
All the other colors seem to vanish into the circumference of red-stained pools.
Another drop falls to the floor and quickly merges with its red and glorious brethren.
A little harder, now just a little more.
Soon this will all be over and I will be free.
In this freedom I can finally be the real me.
I can live a death of honesty and escape from this tragedy.
I can tell this magnificent world of death all about me and be set free.
I am surely off to a better place where I can no longer be scared of being me.
Another drop.
And now another.
The pool grows into a lake and now it is time.
Now it is time.
It is time for me to swim out of this chaotic circus and into the peacefulness of death.
I give my final push.
Nothing.
My hand is frozen.
“Harder!” I tell my hand, “Press harder!”
I begin to push with all my might, but something is stopping me.
Something stronger than the steel of the knife is not allowing me to penetrate my undeserving skin.
I give it all I have and then in that moment my hand fails me, releasing the knife into the ocean of my forsaken death.
I hit my knees.
“NO!” I scream, “Let me die!”
Let me go.
Let me leave this wrecked and broken rock.
Let me die and move into a world where I can be seen, where I can simply be me.
I have had enough.
I have given enough.
My body has been wrecked.
My mind has been washed clean of what it could be and told what it will forever be.
I just need to die!
Please, I beg you, let me die.
I thought my plea was not heard that day.
I thought I would forever live in those moments. In that pain, in that worthlessness.
I was wrong things changed,
BUT…
I did die that day.
A death I am still pushing through with all my might.
A death that is harder than steel.
A death that has allowed the me inside of me to be seen by all.
One that has given me freedom from the chaos of old.
One that has required me to wash my mind of what I was told I will forever be and simply allow myself to just be.
One that forced me to forsake the ocean of red and begin to see the beauty of the deep blue sea.
I died that day.
I die everyday and wake up more and more, me.
I wake to the honesty of my mind, the purity of my soul.
Each day I wake and see more and more of me.
To all of you that wish to swim out of chaos and into the red pools of death, I say to you;
I am proof that it is all okay.
I am here to live another day.
I am me.
I am HUMAN.
Suicide is real. Pain is real. Death is real.
Life is real. YOU are real.
I understand on the deepest levels what one goes through in wanting to end it all.
This is my story.
This is my death.
Follow me into your life.
Allow me to show you YOU can be real.
You are not alone.
I am here.
We are here.
Let these words find you and wrap you with hugs and warmth.
Together we can make you forever shine.
You are enough.
You, my sweet child, are enough.
You are proof that it is all ok.
You are here to live another day.
You are allowed to be you.
You are HUMAN.
You are worth it.
Click here to learn more about my mission of hope
If you need to talk to someone:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1.800.273.TALK (273–8255)
National Child Abuse Hotline
1.800.4.A.CHILD (422–4453)
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1.800.799.SAFE (799–7233)
Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN)
1.800.656.HOPE (656–4673)
The Trevor Project
1.866.4.U.TREVOR (488–7386)
