“people with dysfunctional families aren't even aware that they are dysfunctional”

If you ask most people about their childhood they will probably tell you that it was far from idyllic, or that there were periods of hard times mixed with good times. In my experience it is so common to describe your upbringing as “tough” that most people with dysfunctional families aren't even aware that they are dysfunctional, they feel that their life's aren't that different from other people, that they aren't that special.

Perhaps it is a mix of being in a state of denial, choosing not to confront the truth and thoughts that your upbringing wasn't that bad compared to starving children in Africa or crack babies born in dumpsters. You constantly keep tipping the scale in favor of that your life has been perfectly normal in comparison to everyone else.

“I remember laying in my bed at night, waiting for the fighting to start and for my siblings to come hide in my bed and cry for hours”

I remember countless nights with my drunk parents yelling at each other at the top of their lungs, throwing furniture and even knives. My five younger siblings frightened out of their minds seeking comfort in my room under the covers of my bed. During the days at school I just pushed it into the back of my mind but I remember laying in my bed at night, waiting for the fighting to start and for my siblings to come hide in my bed and cry for hours. The only reason why I even came home at times was because I was afraid they would hurt my younger siblings. This went on for many years until they finally separated in a glorious explosion of such shit you wouldn't even imagine. But at least they didn't live together anymore.

Why do married couples that clearly hates each others guts stay together? In some cases including my parents it is “because of the children” or that they want their kids to have a “normal” upbringing with a mom and dad at home. I of course know from experience how destructive this is and I wouldn't hesitate one second to separate from my wife if we discovered we don’t want to be together anymore, I think this would be the very best for us and our son because it is the only healthy choice to make. The choice to remain together because of children is however a common occurrence.

After the divorce they started trading me and my siblings back and forth, largely because they wanted the social-care monetary support. Family members became trading chips in a thug war between our parents where myself and our siblings where constantly fed propaganda discrediting either one of our parents.

But how do you survive a dysfunctional family? how do you avoid getting ruined and not start a dysfunctional family of your own some day? It may sound harsh but the only way I know of is to completely cut the ties with your old family and focus on building your own life / your new family because they do not deserve to get their lives ruined by your old dysfunctional family.

“you feel obligated to assist your family because you are family and that is what family does”

A typical sign of a dysfunctional family is when family members aren't connected on a emotional level. Instead they only see the use of other family members in certain situations such as when they need help with money or forging alliances against other family members. In a way life becomes a game of honor and betrayal, you feel obligated to assist your family because you are family and that is what family does. This is what feeds dysfunctional families and keeps them locked in a state of shared misery.

One of the hardest parts of being part of a dysfunctional family is that you probably have very few people to talk to about it. You should of course try and talk to members of your family in an attempt to make things better but if your family truly is dysfunctional you will need to talk to someone outside of your immediate family. This can be though because you probably feel a great deal of shame when it comes to your family and the thought of talking to an outsider can feel a bit like a betrayal, but trust me, you need truly need someone you can talk to because this will slowly eat you up from the inside.

“I felt a great deal of shame because I was ashamed of my family”

I felt a great deal of shame for many years, especially after meeting a woman to whom I am now married since many years. I felt ashamed that I could have a good time spending the weekend at my in laws but it was impossible to spend more than a few hours with my family without feeling physically drained. I felt a great deal of shame because I was ashamed of my family.

I used to believe in “family first” and “blood is thicker than water”, they sound nice and usually works out great in Hollywood movies but I have come to realize that you get to pick your own family, you have a choice. If your mom exploits you and your siblings financially without any kind of remorse and constantly abuses your mental health then she doesn't deserve you as her son or daughter. I have come to realize that my mother actually plotted like in a game of houses and pitted myself and my siblings against each other in order to win arguments with my father or gain support from social services. At times there were such drama and crazy things going on that it felt like some over the top soap opera on TV. I have been called to the police as a witness to events that took place between my parents in our home. I had to pick sides daily and pay the consequences dearly at home.

“In a way you are responsible because you refuse to realize the truth.”

If you are constantly forced into stepping up for a chronically troubled parent, sibling or other relative, either financially or mentally draining, then you need to ask yourself, when will it end and will this ruin myself and my own family? If you have someone who keeps calling you up like clockwork every month, asking for money, then it probably means that they have grown dependent on you paying their bills or even substance abuse. In a way you are responsible because you refuse to realize the truth. You will of course always feel sympathy for your brother if he’s totally bust and needs money for a buss-pass but you will feel even worse when you realize you have been funding his drug abuse for the past couple of years.

Sooner or later you will realize that your “helping” isn't actually helping at all but you will still feel the guilt and shame nonetheless. If your father refuses to accept help with his alcohol problems there isn't much you can do about it, but you can choose not to give him any more money for his drinking. The pain of knowing that he will probably drink himself to death is something you will need to learn to cope with. you can not save anyone who doesn't want to be saved.

If you have a brother and sister that are failing school by simply not going, just sitting around at home with your mentally ill father then there is nothing you can do about it. Never mind how many times you promise them rewards such as trips or money, just to get them to go to school. It will probably work for a while but then they will go back to doing exactly nothing. If you buy them computers to help them study they will probably just waste every night playing MMORPGS and sleep in late the next day, every day.

“You will probably need to cut all ties with your family for a long time”

In order to survive a dysfunctional family you will need distance and perspective. You will probably need to cut all ties with your family for a very long time in order to get the poison out of your system and gain a healthy objectiveness of the situation. The painful truth is that you might never go back.

In the end you must realize that you cannot save everyone, but you can save yourself.