tend to your boat.
“The year 2024 will be the year I learn myself”
I wrote this down in a little blue book a few days ago because it felt like it needed to be noted. You see, I’ve never been tasked to learn myself because it’s just not the environment I exist in. Think about it. If you take every single person out of a room, with no eyes, no deadlines, no need for resources, no… pressure, who are you? I think we become very comfortable playing multiple roles in our lives. It is not particularly a bad thing. It is necessary for survival. But it doesn’t feed you. You realize this sooner or later.
To learn myself and grow closer to Christ this year (who is the center of my existence), I joined a bible fellowship. A word I received in this fellowship that jarred me out of this seemingly endless trance I’d been in was “WAKE UP!”. Imagine a phrase so casual, something you hear practically every day, putting me in such deep thought. You see, learning yourself requires attention. You must be fully conscious. If something is noteworthy, write it down. If you keep thinking about something, write it down. If something unsettles you, say it. If you feel like screaming something, please, scream it. You have to be attentive because if you keep letting things pass through your hands, it all becomes nothingness. Undocumented nothingness. And the worst tragedy of all is, you end up never learning anything about yourself.
This year, I have been exploring (very lightly) the art of documenting my life, in text. This helped me conjure something like a bird's eye view into my mental pathways. You have to remember events in your life so you can think about your reaction to things in the past vs. your reaction to them now. Sometimes there is discomfort in the face of fact and truth, and that is okay. It is. You are not entirely a fantastic person. That’s okay. You are lazy sometimes. That’s okay. You’re deflective. You’re depressed. You’re so tired of the world, it has made you a ghost. It is okay. On the other side of that same coin, you’re peaceful, curious, self-sufficient, you’re fantastic at self-regulation, hyper-observant and you have fully surrendered control of your life to the forces that be. You’re a work in progress. You’re human.
You are a boat in the ocean, steered by one rudder. You are in control. God is in control. It is terrifying, but you’re free to find yourself, again and again. Take it from me.
(Taking my walk with God seriously, I’ve been tasked to look at the bigger picture, so to speak. To do things I would not naturally do. To be vocal about seemingly unremarkable realizations that I’ve been given because these words may encourage someone I do not know. I’ve been tasked to give all of myself to the world around me, taking any blessings that I’ve been given (whether it be the skills of my hands, the resources in my life, or the words of my mouth), and pay it forward. It is something that has been running after me for so long lmao and honestly? I’m beat.)
YOU are whole. You are worthy, and most importantly, you are needed. There is so much light in you. In your heart. In your hands. And if you’re like me and you’ve (unfortunately) been dropped into an environment that doesn’t let you see that, allow me to remind you.
You have to make space in your hands now. This part is crucial. You must hold what is important and let go of what is not. You’re learning the hard way that you cannot do both. It requires you to be present and intentional. Think, don’t blur. Note, don’t forget. Love. My God, love with every single part of yourself. Hold everyone around you in warmth. Sit down with your parent and talk like friends. Think about your mother’s youth. Laugh at your father’s dry jokes. See yourself in your siblings, and let it mirror. Hug your friends every single chance you get. Smell your girlfriend’s head. Do (and this can’t be stressed enough) what you must do to be joyful and fulfilled. Tend to your boat. Don’t look at the water.
Now here I am, at the end of what may have been one of the most disappointing years of my life, smiling. Grateful. Full of so much love. Giving myself grace. There is nothing in my heart now that is more important than purpose. What I look like, how I’m perceived by others, my career, this unending chase of wealth, fiefdom, youth, and power. These are all mercurial. My purpose now is God. And God is love.
