I had awful sleep
i woke up throughout the night. I woke up at 5:26 AM and cried. And again at 7 AM and cried some more. And i haven’t been able to stop the tears since.
I had a dream a couple of days ago, and i woke up feeling I should end us and that we shouldn’t continue. I’ve felt this for a while. But i haven’t felt strong enough to do it. I didn’t see myself being able to stand on my own, so i held on to you and chose to lean on you. i took the easy way, and i’m sorry.
i’m sorry to you, and i’m sorry to myself. i’ve been trying to justify something that isn’t right. i’ve been trying to hold on to all the good, no matter how short lived, and ignoring everything else. i’ve been holding on to you, and ignoring my hurt. i’ve spent countless nights crying myself to sleep, agonizing over where we’re going. i’ve been unhappy, i’ve been stressed, and i haven’t felt myself.
Love is simple. Love is kind. Love is accepting. The truth is if you loved me, you would’ve chosen me. You would’ve done everything you could to be with me, and to never allow me to feel hurt. the truth hurts.
A part of me feels as if i’ve failed. i wasn’t able to break down your walls and get through to you. And a part of me wants to feel that we still have a chance one day, but that’s not fair to you nor i. As much as it tears me up on the inside, i have to let you go. i have to focus on my health. i have to find my way. i have to open myself up to the love of the people around me. And i have to have faith that it’s enough.
My love for you won’t ever go away. you’re an amazing human being, you really are. Thank you for the memories, and the laughter, and the adventures, and the inspiration. Thank you for being there, and for listening, and for making me feel less alone. i hope that you’ll forgive yourself and learn to love yourself. Life has its way of working itself out. We both have to have faith.