Living through a glass

Someday, I still have this feeling. I wake up and everything around me seem dull, not interesting, not real. Exactly as if I was living through a glass. As If the living world was on the other side while I’m stuck alone in this bottle of glass. I watch the life through it and it seems purely impossible to join it.

Blurried lines. Soft sound. Cotton atmosphere… As if I was asleep and trying to get through my day without any control of it because

It’s hard to think clearly when my head seems so empty.

It’s hard to feel deeply when my body seems insensitive.

It’s hard to act normaly when my mind can’t stop reapeting me ‘You’re not here. You don’t feel anything. You can’t focus on that. You can’t do anything’

I feel like a robot. I have the feeling that my life is totally out of my control. I have the feeling that I will never reconnect to the reality.

My body seems unknown. As if it was not mine. I am a stranger in my own skin and I cannot do anything. Jumping, skaking it off, running… I am alive but everything inside pretend that it’s not true, that it’s not real.

It’s like being underwater and trying to see, hear and feel what are on the top. I feel out of touch. I feel so far from what happens right in front of me.

And it hurts like hell because I cannot prevent myself from comparing to when I am good. To when I feel. And it makes me so sad and hopeless because I don’t feel what I ordinary experience. It makes me sick because I’ve just started to experience what living in the present moment is and how powerful and intense it is. Living in colors. Living freely. Just living and feeling.

Joy seems forever missing. Good memories seems unreal, barely pure creation of my mind. I don’t have the usual thrills. I start to believe that it was just a dream, after all. That the true experience of life is so dull…

I can complain about it for hours, waiting to ‘feel alive’ again.

Or I can decide to shift my mindset and live the day as it is and stop waiting to feel as usual. Because it won’t happen. The more I track, the more it fades away. The less I pay attention, the more everything come into places.

It’s hard but now I know that it won’t last forever. It’s just a side effect of anxiety.

I figure out that 99% of the time the experience of depersonalization -the real name of this phenomenon- is only a way for me to answer to this following question: What do I try to escape from?

This time, it’s pretty obvious for me. It’s bad memories and painful experencies that I try to forget so as to move on. I’ve tried so hard that my body and my mind began to “feel nothing” so as to protect me.

I remember how much I just wanted to feel nothing and being neutral when I was barely scared of everything. And now that I’ve learned to deal with my anxiety, I am afraid of not feeling anything… Ironic, doesn’t it?

But this experience of depersonalisation has taught me something really important: trying to erase what happened is not the solution. I cannot pretend that the past simply vanished. But even more important: I don’t want to forget. Because it’s a part of me. Every experience that I went through bring me to who I am now. And I am so grateful for that. The journey was difficult, someday hurted like hell, but it built me. I simply can’t remove that.

I can’t live without feeling anything so as to prevent myself from remembering the painful memories at every corner. I have to let go, over and over again instead. Accepting what was, being grateful for what happened because it made me grow up and evolve and simply let go of it because it’s over now.

Now I know that I am strong enough to deal with that too. Because every struggle leads us to a better place at the end of the day.

If you are dealing with or interesting in depersonalization and derealization, please go read this article written by Malia Bradshaw, a yoga teacher, writer and mental health, anxiety, panic and dpdr (depersonalization and derealization) recovery aka my life saver when I am to focus on my darkness to see the light.

P.S: I’m french so I’m really sorry if I make mistakes… I’m still learning!