So when I started writing/blogging again, I opened up about my not-so-healthy mental state. And as I’ve said before, I’ve been taking time away from everything…and everyone.
Still am, to be honest.
Some people might say this isn’t the healthiest course of action. But this is how I, and may others, prefer to deal with things.
During this time, I’ve had countless back-and-forth conversations with myself — and pieces of thoughts. And when I say ‘pieces’, I really do mean pieces. Because that’s exactly what they were:
Pieces…AKA…Not complete.
I would start one train of thought, but was quick to dismiss it because I was afraid of what kind of answers I would come to.
But as I distracted myself from these (pieces of) thoughts — by living the lives of fictional characters and YouTubers — I slowly began to realize these answers anyways.
And it was pretty paramount.
It’s something that’s been growing steadily inside me over the last couple of months — heck, years even. A feeling that’s kept weighing me down and consistently pressuring me.
It was changing who I was, how I viewed the world around me, and how I interacted with the world.
Simply put…
The things that brought me joy no longer brought me joy.
What happened? How did I get here? Did I do something wrong?
I used to be filled with so much passion and happiness. Carefree and enjoying the new experiences life threw at me. And I’d dive into these new situations and relationships. Going with the flow, as they say.
But as I went with the flow, I started noticing things that toiled with my understanding of the world. Even affecting my own moral compass.
As I started to expand my connections to others, I started understanding their connections as well. Some established beforehand. Others began after.
Most of the time, these connections were both heart-warming and welcoming. But with all good things, there were also the bad.
And unsurprisingly, my brain wants to store ALL of it into some kind of mental compendium. A compendium that’s ready to be opened and accessed randomly so I can over-think and over-analyze it all. Thanks, brain.
What I’m left with is a constant struggle of trying to please everyone — something I’m guilty of way too often — and ‘choosing sides’.
Then I came across this post last week:
Coincidence or not, this helped bring some light to the fog/darkness I’ve been going through. All the things I’ve seen and experienced over the past couple of months/years have left me vulnerable and susceptible to ‘losing myself’ into others.
I’ve been lying to others, and more importantly, myself.
And looking at the second part of this quote, I realized that this describes where I am currently:
My isolation from others meant breaking connections with others.
And while that may sound disheartening, it really isn’t.
Rather, it reminded me of something I used to tell myself and others before:
Quality over quantity. Surround yourself with GOOD and YOU will be good.
And honestly, I’m not losing everyone.
I am simply taking a step back—disconnecting even — from the things that might not have even been there in the first place. ‘Superficial connections’ that might’ve only been there for show.
But more importantly, it allowed me to turn away from the things that simply weren’t doing GOOD for me. Things that have been bringing me much distraught recently.
And while realizing this, I finally started to feel the weight on my shoulders lifting. The load on my chest lightening. And my whole being refreshed…
I want to return to the person who I used to be.
But I’m not going to sit here and lie to you, or myself:
I can not and will not return to the same person I used to be. It’s just not possible.
Our lives are built on layers of experiences and emotions that only add on top of each other. And like mountains and rock formations, we can never fully be rid of all these layers.
Sure. Over time, natural forces can chip away, erode, and smooth out these layers into something more polished and aesthetically pleasing.
But UN-like mountains and rock formations, we can choose how much each experience and emotion layer stays with us and helps shape us into who we want to become.
This is our power.
Okay, Google. Play ‘Fix You’ by Coldplay.
Sure. Playing ‘Fix You’ by Coldplay. Would you like to order more tissues?
