9.5.17

I am annoyed at everyone and everything. I am annoyed at myself for not acting sooner, for lying to myself for so long, for ignoring what my body was crying and yearning for, telling myself it was okay to be unhappy and then for believing it. I doubted myself, I didn’t trust myself. I thought it wasn’t important to be me, to not listen to myself and continue ignoring the signs whether I saw them or not, it doesn’t matter because I definitely felt them. I turned off my heart to what I relied on for so long, to what always helped me get through anything and everything. Coming out of my slumber, I am so ashamed. I am ashamed I let you treat me like this and that I believed it. I am ashamed I made excuses for you that I even believed myself. I wish I could just disappear — but not vanish — to an oasis. A retreat where loving yourself allows you to stay there and what keeps you from going insane. But to first to love myself I need to let out the hurt and the pain. I know it hasn’t come out yet, I have not unleashed it. I will not go into mourning until it is safe, until I know I am the only one who will witness my fall and then when I pick myself up I need to know that I can turn to someone to protect me — because I truthfully I don’t want to go through this alone. I need someone to not ask me how I am. I need someone who can just look at me and know everything without me having to say a word. I don’t know if that person exists — but I need them. I need them to not let go until I am better. And I am scared that I won’t accept anything less.