15 More Bowl Games to Add to the College Football Schedule
The holiday schedule is already oversaturated, so why not just let every team play in a bowl?
There are an absurd 42 bowl games on the college football schedule this year, meaning 84 of the 128 FBS programs will head to a bowl game for the holidays. That includes 13 teams that finished below .500 in conference but beat up on some Division XVIII and NAIA schools so they could take a December trip to backwoods Wisconsin.
With so many bowl games already, what’s a few more? These kids worked hard losing all season, and they don’t want to take final exams anyway. Here are 15 more games to add to this year’s holiday schedule…
The Enron Fall from Grace Classic
Texas vs Notre Dame
Houston, Texas
The Longhorns went from 5–7, losing to then 1–9 Kansas before (after? during?) firing their coach, missing a bowl game for the first time this century. Perennial national title contender Notre Dame had a dismal 4–8 season, losing to Duke and, uh, Texas. This is the first time they haven’t made it to a bowl game since the 2013 National Championship against Alabama.
These teams have played 3-point games twice in the last two years, so this is sure to be a good one. Fine, last year was just a 3-point output for Texas. Whatever, it counts.
The Trump University Never Should’ve Relocated Bowl, sponsored by Trump Steaks
Missouri vs Rutgers
An abandoned warehouse, India
Rutgers was shutout by a combined 225–0 by Big Ten opponents Ohio State, Michigan, Michigan State, and Penn State, though they did manage to score 13 against national semifinalist Washington. As for Mizzou, remember when they were in the SEC title game two years ago? Me neither.
I hope the abandoned Indian warehouse still has electricity.
The Attention K-Mart Shoppers There’s a Blue Light Sanction on Aisle Three Bowl
Syracuse vs SMU
Troy, Michigan
Lucky for us, we will never run out of teams for this game.
The Goodyear Just Close Your Eyes and Pretend You’re Watching Basketball Tire Fire Bowl
Duke vs Kansas
Cleveland, Ohio
Harry Giles! Josh Jackson! Jayson Tatum! Frank Mason! Luke Kennard! These are just a few of the many names of spectators you’ll see in the stands and wish you were watching them instead of these miserable football teams that combined to win two of 17 conference games this year. That’s a real kick in the balls for the fans.
Oh wait, that was just Grayson Allen.
The Southwest Airlines Can’t Even Pretend We’re Watching Basketball This Year Wanna Get Away Bowl
Connecticut vs Michigan State
Dallas, Texas
UConn and Sparty went a terrible 2–15 combined in conference play this year as fans dug their heads into the sand and waited for better days in the basketball season. Those days are not coming. Michigan State began their year getting run off the court by Kentucky, Baylor, Arizona, and Duke before wins against Florida Gulf Coast and Oral Roberts by five points total. UConn has already lost to Wagner, Auburn, and Houston while beating Boston University and Loyola Marymount by a combined five points.
Oh and both of these schools lost already to Northeastern. Northeastern!!! Wait, speaking of Northeastern…
The AvaDent Affordable Dentures Grandmothers Crystal Bowl
Virginia vs Charlotte
Scottsdale, Arizona
Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. And hopefully he brings you some new football players next year.
The Kellogg’s Never Eat Shredded Wheat Directional Classic
Northern Illinois vs Georgia Southern
Battle Creek, Michigan
Participants each receive a basket with 30 of those tiny boxes of cereal with an assortment of Special K, Rice Krispies, and Corn Flakes and somehow only one box of Apple Jacks.
The Sears Roebuck Thank God for Out of Conference Husky Bowl
Fresno State vs Texas State
University of Washington, Seattle, Washington
Neither Fresno State nor Texas State won a single conference game this year but managed to avoid the 0-fer with wins against FCS whoppers Sacramento State and Incarnate Word, respectively.
Rutgers was also eligible for this bowl at 0–9 in the Big Ten but was deemed to have played national semifinalist Washington too close in the opener to qualify.
The GEICO Did You Know That Some Owls Aren’t That Wise Who’s Who Bowl
Rice vs Florida Atlantic
Purdue OWL, West Lafayette, Indiana
Get it? Because they’re both Owls.
The Zaxby’s Heart of Dallas Bowl
North Texas vs Army
Dallas, Texas
North Texas was a terrible 5–8 this year, while Army somehow managed to lose to 4–8 Duke, 4–8 Notre Dame, 2–10 Buffalo, and hey, 5–8 North Texas!
Actually it turns out this is a real bowl game that already happened this year. North Texas went 5–7 and made a bowl game against an opponent it had already beaten this year. Did we give them all participation trophies too? See this is exactly what’s wrong with millennials in 2016!!!11
The Bunghole Liquors Wait That’s Not a Real Place Is It Bowl co-sponsored by www.therapistfinder.com
East Carolina vs Ball State
Hell, Michigan
Hell, Michigan is apparently a real place and not just a nickname for Detroit. And be careful if you go there. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions but it has a crapton of potholes and there’s a bridge out on Exit 666.
The He’s-a-Really-Nice-Person-But Lovie Smith Memorial FriendZone Bowl
Illinois vs Arizona State
Big Sandy, Texas
Sure Lovie Smith is still alive, but you’d never know it if you watched Illinois attempt to play football this year. But Lovie is a good guy so he’ll keep getting jobs til kingdom come from Arizona State to Tampa Bay to Tulsa to Illinois.
Fun fact: Lovie Smith’s high school team won a Texas state championship with a final score of 0–0, which is probably he most on-brand thing Lovie Smith has ever done in his life.
The My Dad Went to a Bowl Game and All I Got Was This Ugly Nike Shirt Bowl
Oregon vs Louisiana Monroe
Eugene, Oregon
Sure, all 59 Oregon uniforms rank on the scale of hideous to complete national disaster, but they got nothing on the swamp camouflage uniforms the Warhawks rolled out to kick off last season. LAMO, indeed.
The Lasik Vision Institute Color Blindness Bowl
Texas Tech vs Tulane
Just feel your way there
The Red Raiders and Green Wave will make for a great Thursday night Color Rush game, just as long as you can see well enough to join the military.
The High School Musical 2.5: Never Made It to Senior Year Bowl
Arizona vs Central Florida
East High, Salt Lake City, Utah
It’s the big Wildcats-Knights rematch every teenager has been waiting for!!
Enjoy the games, everyone. We’re all in this together.
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